Sunday, December 25, 2011

*UPDATED!!!* (Now with pictures) Drunken Post - Christmas Edition

I can't think of a more appropriate title. Sooo yeah.

I don't know but it seems like the 2011 has been more of an asshole than 2010. At least for me. Don't judge. Yeah. Could' you not wdo that please?

Okay. Gotta adimt, there's really not much to talk about right now. I think I should just describe what's happening around me right now.

It's dark.

I'ts 3:51 a.m.

My mom's snoring. I can totally hear it. SHUT IT MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKay. I don't think tthis is going nowhere. This is pretty much just a waste of blogging space.

I hate it when people mispronounce my name. Or when they decide what name suits you best and start calling you that. Like Janet. I AM NOT JANET!!!

The fuck?

Wait. You know whatt? I'm gonna rant.

At the beginning of the year, I was like this:

Yeah. I can't get my drawing right but that's pretty much the thought.
But it turned out that 2011 is more of an asshole than 2010.

So here's to you, 2011:

Okay. So I drew something where I'm flipping 2011 off and welcoming (threatening) 2012 but Blogger is being an ass and won't uploa it.

2011 has been such a sucky year!!! I went through all the -lessnesses and such. So yeah.

If 2012 isn't nice, I'll introduce it to this guy over here:

Wait. I forgot I can't upload. Dammit.


Nope. it won't uploda.

Maybe I'll update this post tomorrow and upload the pictures.

I love you.

So how about resolutions? Have any?

I don't. I don't even have a bucket list.

But I decided to list a few right now. Things that are easier to accomplish. Because wishing for the ipmossible will only make you dissapointed. Also, I don't watn to pressure myself. So yeah.

So here it is.

1. Type this. - Check.
2. Pause to think what to write next. - CHeck.
3. Have an honest, deep conversation with someone.
4. Yawn five times in a row. - Check.
5. Pretend not to give a fuck. - Check.
6. Kill the red ant that's sexually molesting my back. - Check.
7. Get a new job.
8. Pause again to think what to write for numebr 8. - Check.
9. Chill the fuck out.
10. Think of the 10th item on my list - Check.

So there you go! I thiink I'm doing great. So far, I've accomplished 7 out of 10! Hell yeah, mother fuckres!!!



So I'm just posting the pictures. The pictures that won't "uploda".

Nope, I'm not gonna edit the typos and other spelling errors. Ha!

This is me flipping 2011 off. And yes, I thought I had to explain my drawings. Hey, I was drunk!

This is me welcoming/threatening 2012.
So apparently, I threatened 2012 that he will be introduced to Apocalypse if he decides to suck.
Wow, I just did that? Dayum!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And here I am, giving you a chance to turn your life into pure awesomeness. Kind of.

There comes a point in a person's life where they start to think about serious things like why they do certain things they don't understand. Like, you know, why they stay up at night and struggle waking up in the morning, why deciding whether to get out of the bed to pee or hold it in because the Internet is awesome is always a tough decision, or why people who post vague statuses on Facebook and Twitter to get attention annoy the fuck out of them...

Oh, it's just me?

Okay. Forget it. It's not really what I'm going to talk about anyway.

No, really. It wasn't. Move on.


I was spacing out at work (ahem) one night and a brilliant idea came to me!

I decided to give YOU a chance to make your lives more awesome.

I'm the nicest person you know, mofo.
Ooops! Who shot this picture?

Oh hey, I play fair!

1. If you're a vegetarian and eating meat makes you feel guilty:

I could help you feel less guilty about eating meat by putting pictures like this everywhere:

You may not be able to eat ANYTHING for a few days. Or months. Depending on how guilt works on you, you soulless bastard.

2. If you're addicted to sports and the Internet:

I could help you get over your addiction. I could use your computer all day without complaints. And I could change the TV channel to something more relevant and take the remote everywhere I go.

Or I could just hide it somewhere when I'm lazy. But that would only happen occasionally, so no need to worry about that.

Hey, it's like you have your own rehab facility nurse in your own home!

Your electricity bill might increase up to 100%.

3. If you're the type of person who couldn't stand doing nothing and gets bored easily:

I would never have you run out of things to do. Ever. That's a promise.

You could make me a sandwich, a lemonade, coffee, tea, bake me a cupcake, make me breakfast, lunch, and dinner, fix my bed, clean OUR room... Whatever you like!!! As long as they're delicious, the food I mean, (which I think they'd be - see? I have SO much faith in you) there's not gonna be a problem.

No cons. At all. Because you win in this situation. Not only will you get what you want, but also, this could help you stay physically fit, going back and forth to the kitchen and such.

Aw. Don't mention it.

Oh! Also, if you have A LOT of money and spending it is starting to become such a burden, you could give, like, HALF of it to me. I won't complain. It's like charity. You'll feel awesome.


Wow! Right? How can you say no to this? It's like adopting me would be the best decision you could ever make in your entire life!

Consider this my Christmas offer to you.

(For some reason, the font of this post is effed up. Sorry about that. Blogger keeps changing some of the paragraphs to Times. Damn, Blogger. What now?)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Sexy Time (May or may not involve flashing. Oh, and other sexy things.)

There's probably some weird rumor going on around the net about me. Like, I think people are saying I'm a dude.



Oh, you want proof???

So I had to blur my other E-mail address because I use this one for professional things. I know, right?

I've also been getting spams from pimps asking me to learn about the "closed itches of my horny girlfriend" and "meet plennyy of ladiez."

Closed itches? Ew.


I can't even...

But thank you for making me feel less stupid about my typos, asshole.

FYI, spammers?

I'M A GIRL OKAY?!!!! Do I have to remind you every time???

So what? Should I dress like a guy now so it's not so weird for you? Because I'm totally thinking about your feelings here.

Do you like my moustache???

How about my Bieber hair???

Oh yeah, and that dude behind me is totally jealous.

Should I start dressing like this?
I look totally cute as a guy.
And do I have to get to know porn stars by name now?

I'm so hot when I'm angry. Those teeth! Dang!
See that censored picture? 


Got it?

Also, Google (and other search engines) my blog is not a porn site, remember?

Stop leading people here when they are looking for porn sites!!!

The blue ones are from Google Analytics. The green ones are from StatCounter.

Okay. I take that back. I kind of love these search keywords. Honestly. That's why I keep reviewing them. I mean, is there any other blog that attracts a person who looks for nude frontal pictures of Danny Devito? None!!!

I'm kind of expecting more perverted keywords after this post.

So share your search keywords! Make everyone laugh.

So I'm not really THAT angry. I'm just, you know. Overdramatic. And bored. Soooo...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

How To Win Over An Attractive Woman. Alt. Title: "And somehow, I came up with a story where I can use my old drawings."

So I asked my friend Matt for a blog topic suggestion and he suggested that I give tips on how to win over attractive women. And he demanded that I be semi-serious. As if my previous post wasn't serious enough.

What does serious mean anyway, Google?

Oh. Google doesn't know either.

So okay. I'm not gonna assume that you are having some sort of woman trouble. No, not at all (squinty, judgmental stare).

And because I know that most men don't understand women AT ALL, I decided to write what Matty suggested. Also, because I asked for a topic.

So.... Yeah.

So this post is dedicated to all the men who read my blog.

And to the women, too, so they know when to be impressed.

So here are the tips:

(I am Semi-Serious)

The attractive woman. Supposedly. I mean, with that annoying Daffy Duck face pout and all.
First of all, you need to be interesting. And make her feel like you like talking to them but AVOID sounding desperate. Try to impress her but be cool about it. If you know what I mean.

Here are the most common qualities attractive women look for in a guy:

  • A guy who thinks about the future.
  • Badass. But in a good way.
  • A guy who is cool and not easily embarrassed.
  • A guy who takes care of himself.
  • Sweet.
  • Not selfish.
  • Some sort of a hero.

That's all. Pretty simple. Women are not as complicated as you guys think, you over-dramatic, hormonal, sensitive creatures!

Anyway, you can show the girl you like that you have all these qualities by simply talking to her and telling her a story. Of course you should initiate the talking.

Impress her.

Tell her your life stories with a twist.

For example, this is your story: On your way home, it suddenly grew dark. Like really suddenly. This made you panic that you ran really fast and got home panting heavily.

So do you think it's an interesting story? Totally NOT. She might just say, "Oh. Okay." End of conversation. Or worse, she might fall asleep while you're talking. It would be a turn off, trust me. And your ego is gonna be crushed!

Instead, add an unexpected twist. Make it interesting. Notice I emphasized the words unexpected and interesting. Because that's how I roll. (That didn't even make sense.)

So tell your story like this:
"I was on my way home, seriously thinking about life and all (thinking about the future - check!) and suddenly, it grew dark! I don't know what happened. It just did!"

"I was so shocked that my mouth was open the whole time I was walking! Like, 'Man what the fuck!'" (Cussing: An indication of badassness. Check!)

"And because it was too dark, I didn't notice that there was a huge rock in front of me so I tripped!!!" (Admitting embarrassing moments will make her think that you're cool and not easily embarrassed. Check!)

"So I sat on a nearby bench and nursed my very soft and delicate feet (she'll totally be impressed by this fact because this means you take care of yourself, so check!) and then the red ants attacked me." (Red ants = indication that you're sweet.)

"And then I heard screams! Screams of scared people! So I decided to ignore the pain I was feeling and help the people in need." (Altruism. Very impressive. Check!)
"AND THEN I SAW A DRAGON! It was breathing fire on people. Good thing I brought my shield and saved them but daaaamn it was close!" (Heroic move. Check!)
"And then I went home."
Clearly, this version is more interesting. This will work.

You're totally welcome.

So everyone, if you need tips on something, or advice, or you want to ask anything, I can totally help you. E-mail me or leave it in the comments. I'm sure I can help you because you see, I'm like the god of tips.

And again, this didn't make sense at all.


That's all (smiling emoticon).


In other news, my 500th follower asked me if I could promote his blog and since he's the 500th, I guess I should. So check out A Guy Named Lulu. He draws too. And his blog is funny.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Totally effective ways to make the person you like notice you.

So here's the thing. You like someone but you don't know whether they like you too or not. And you don't know if they even know you exist! Everyone goes through this at some point, whether you're a guy or a girl. So it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Because you know what? It's normal for peo-- COZ BABY YOU'RE A FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREWOOOORKK! COME ON SHOW 'EM WHAAAAAAATT YOU'RE WOOOOOORTHHH!!! MAKE ME GO UH-UH-O-

Sorry. I just randomly breakout into a song sometimes.

Sorry about that.

Okay. So where was I?

Oh yeah, the tips! Yeah. This is applicable to males and females who are creepily secretly crushing on someone.


1. Be catchy.
Yes. All the time. Even if you're just gonna go to your friend's house next door. Wear sexy, borderline Gaga clothes, clothes that are too tight that it would drain the color off your face. I know, I know it's gonna be hard. Wearing clothes that are 10 sizes too small takes some getting used to, but you have to sacrifice! You need to get his attention.

Also, don't forget to wear perfumes. Yes, PERFUMES. A different scent on every part of your body would be awesome. It's like, you just have to walk by and he will surely take a look.
To the guys, you can wear something tight too. Show some chest hair. No, actually, don't. Just wear tight clothes. Maybe like a pair of tight red leather pants. Cool, right?

2. Use the subtle threat.
This may be really REALLY scary to the person you're attracted to. So make sure you're still sweet and friendly to them. Make them some coffee. Or tea. Whichever they prefer. Just so they don't think they are being abducted and/or are in danger.

Yes, this is recycled drawing. Got beef? :)

3. Smile. 
All the time. Stop that I'm-too-cool-to-smile attitude. Trust me. It. Doesn't Work. No, really! You should smile no matter what you're going through.

4. Be everywhere. 
Always be around. In the hallways, in the parking lot... It would be super easy to know where they are if they're the kind of person who posts their location on Facebook and Twitter. If they are in the mall, GO TO THE fucking MALL! Just make sure they see you. By doing this, you'll make them believe that you're always on their mind.

Be behind the bathroom mirror if you need to.

5. Show you care. 
Talk to them. If you're too shy, a text message would do. Don't hesitate. But avoid, I repeat, AVOID, sounding desperate on your text. Don't say, "Hey I really really really really need to see you. I'll die if I don't see you because, blah-blah-blah..." Also, those cheesy pickup lines? Girls don't fall for that anymore. Be cool. Send them things like, "Hey. Not that I'm videotaping your every move but I noticed you're out of beer. Check your fridge."

Not creepy. At. All.

Or you can try something sweeter like, "Hey. You're wearing your Friday underwear. It's only Thursday. FYI."

That is if they're the kind of person that wears "scheduled" undies.

Also, adding a smiling emoticon on your text message would be nice. Just don't use the winky with tongue hanging out emoticon. It would sound weird.

I know you see my point.

So there you go. These tips will surely make them notice you.

I just said notice, okay? Don't blame me for the restraining orders you sure are about to get.

At least they noticed you, right?

You're welcome.

Guys, some of you may have noticed that no one can comment on my pages anymore and the old ones that were published are gone. I don't know what happened but I'm so gonna punch Blogger for this.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

This post was supposed to go nowhere. And then it went nowhere! Win.

I swear I've been trying to write a blog post since last week and I can't come up with anything! ANYTHING!!!!!! I mean, until now.

Writer's block.

Happens. A. Lot.

And it's annoying because there are times that you *know* you need to write something and you think you have this BRILLIANT idea but when you're in front of the computer, you just don't know how to start so you'll think and think and think and think but then your brain will just be so fucking mean and delete the idea that you've thought of just a while ago!

I know you all know what I'm going through.


This is when you feel that you need to write something but no matter what you do, you just don't know what to write.

2.  PANIC.
This is when you start getting tweets and emails asking if you're dead and people start unfollowing because they think you're really dead even if you tell them you're not because they think it's your ghost that's tweeting/emailing them back!

The part when you start thinking: "Am I really dead? My brain is not working. Should I start putting my brain in a blender and try to get the juice out?"

The part when you just can't think of anything. Like, ANYTHING...


We all go through these stages, right?


So it's just me then?



So anyway, I'm at the 5th stage right now.

When I'm at the 5th stage, my creativity flows like a badass blogger!

And since I care, I'm gonna share a few topic sentences with you because I know you want one. I'm so generous, I know. My mom really raised me well.
  1. It's so hot that my sweat started sweating sweat like- Oooohhh... I'm gonna steal that dog! It's so cute!
  2. I have a boyfriend/girlfriend and my socks are dirty.
  3. Ants love me. Oh my god, where's my wallet?
  4. Now watching [insert TV show here] because I just pooped and now I've ran out of things to do.
  5. It's dark inside the cinema. OH-EM-GEEEEE... I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!
You can totally establish connection with your readers with these brilliant topics. They are relatable, inspiring, deep, and somewhat emotional. Also sexy, if you really think about it. These will totally make your blogs shine!!!

You're welcome.

So what are you waiting for? Aren't you excited? Write now! Don't let your readers wait.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

You're my favorite virtual friend. And we go way back. Remember when we got drunk?

Despite the not so many issues between my bestest Internet friend Blogger and I, they decided to make me today's Blog of Note. Which is awesome.

Which means they don't hold grudge. We are really the best of friends. We don't hate each other even when I send them hateful tweets and stuff like that.


Sometimes, I imagine that Blogger is human. And if it were, I'd have a drink with it.

And sometimes, I imagine it as a "he".

Okay. You have a dirty mind! NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

Because guy friends are sometimes cooler, that's why!

Me: Hey, Bloggidoodle, my favorite virtual friend!!! How are you?

Blogger: (Confused face.) We're not friends. Are we?

Me: (I playfully hit his arm. Very lightly. But Blogger is old and his knees are weak. He falls to the ground.) Ooops! You stupid! Haha! You don't take enough calcium! Your bones are weak! Haha!

B: .....

Me: Okay. Get up. We ARE friends. FRIENDS. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Friends. You hear? (Blogger sometimes is slow to pick up.) We go way back. Remember?

B: (Thinks really really hard.) No...?

Me: (I hide my impatience.) Okay. Remember when we were drunk, we played Hang Snooki's Brother Upside Down and my friends and I hung you upside down because you look like Snooki? And I was in a superhero costume?

B: I don't remember that! And... Snooki's brother?

Me: Well...? You're orange!

B: ...

Me: Oh! I've seen you pee! In public, you disgusting person, you!!

B: I've never done that!

Me: Oh, really?

That's a statue, by the way. No, I SWEAR!
Me: Don't be embarrassed! That's okay. I accept you. I'm your friend. No ifs, ands, or buts.

B: Why do you keep mocking me?

Me: Mocking? You? No!!! That's called being close friends! Don't take it personally! Don't you think it's awesome that we are in that level of friendship where we can mock each other???

B: I never mocked you!!!

Me: Well...? You can start now.

B: (Blogger, again, is confused. He could really be an idiot sometimes. But don't tell him I said so.) You mean, I can make fun of you? Right now?

Me: That's what I said, you dope! Haha. (I add "haha" so Blogger won't be offended. He's really sensitive and shit.)

B: Okay...? You're short.

Me: Haha! That's cool!

B: Your feet are too small, they could be mistaken for keychains.

Me: (I look at my feet. I look back at Blogger and fake a smile.) That's okay. Haha! So. Is it my turn now?

B: (Nervous face.)

Me: Don't worry. I won't mock you. Not now. I love you, my friend. You just made me a Blog of Note. How can I make fun of you? You jump, I jump, remember?

B: I'm really doubting your sincerity. That line is from Titanic!

Me: Okay. You've seen Titanic. Fine. But really, I love you! (Makes a dramatic face.) If you're a bird, then I'm a bird.

B: That's from The Notebook!

Me: You watch too many movies!!!

B: People blog about movies! Of course I know a lot of movies.

Me: You have a point. But still. Why do you doubt me?

B: Okay. I know you. You want something. What do you want?

Me: I don't want anything! Just... Uhm... Maybe let me put Adsense on my blog?

B: You know that's not possible!

Me: (Okay. He's becoming a little smarter.) But I don't do most of those things anymore! Right? I've changed!

B: Can I mock you again?

Me: ...

B: SO????

Me: Look at you, you're being impatient! Haha!!

B: (Taps foot. I'm creating a monster.)

Me: Fine! Go!

B: You're old.

Me: Okay. I'll take it. 29 is old.

B: And you're short.

Me: (Fakes a smile.) You said that already! Haha! You forgot! You must be tired. You want to go rest now? It's past your bedtime.

B: You look 10.
Me: Touche, Blogger. Touche.

I did create a monster!


In my defense, that picture was taken LAST YEAR!

Okay, that didn't really help me.

I was only joking with that kiddie pose.


Dammit. Dammit. Dammit!


On a serious note, I'd like to thank Ratzy and Dr. Heckle for letting me know about this Blog of Note thing. And thanks for the awesome messages. Dammit, you guys! Why are you so awesome?

Monday, September 12, 2011

If you don't mind, I'm gonna teach you how to prepare an inedible meal. Probably. It actually depends on your taste. But it's pretty much inedible.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


Are you ready for food porn? I mean, my new cooking show?

[Insert the show's theme song here. Probably something very appropriate like She Bangs.]

Let's go to the kitchen now.

Awesome, right?

So I'm going to teach you how to make a no-bake cake. Well because the show is pretty much about fire prevention. I'm thinking of everyone's safety here. Don't judge.

Also because no-bakes are easier to do.

All you have to do is to make sure you have everything in your fridge. Like Nigella Lawson does.

Actually, you know what? It's not fair that everything she needs just magically appears in her fridge like that but you know, it's a TV show. Maybe it's a camera trick. Just maybe. The hell do I know?

No. I'm not badmouthing her just because she's a competition. Of course not. I'm a mature, independent cooking show host.


Here are the things you need:

You need to come up with a name as unique as this. I'm really this creative.

These things are pretty easy to find. (Do you have dog dander in your fridge, Nigella? Huh? How about the zombie toenails? Ha!)

What you need to do is mix everything into a bowl. Except for the frosting. You have to mix that in a separate bowl. But that's pretty much common sense. I mean, come on! Are you an idiot?

That's totally not poison inside the bottle. Totally not.
And when you're done, just shape it with your bare hands and put it inside the fridge.

Aaaaand? VIOLA!

Well, if you think you can eat it, feel free.

Side effects include:
  • Alternating diarrhea and constipation.
  •  Nightmares.
  • Dementia.
  • And probably infinite loneliness.

*No zombies were harmed during the production of this TV show. 

I'm currently hiring food tasters for this new show. Let me know if you're interested. Qualifications include badassness, awesomeness, and ability to kiss ass. A superb acting ability would be a plus. The pay will be good. Free food cooked by me for you and your whole family! Yay!