Wednesday, May 26, 2010

*UPDATED!!!* Non-Violent Ways To Get Back At Someone

Even though we are all a bunch of nice, sweet, and innocent people (just say yes or I'll punch you right now), there are still some people who can't help but be mean to us. But because of our piss peace-loving nature, we don't want violence.

Guess what?

I have thought of some unique, non-violent ways of getting back at those assholes mean people.

But first of all, when you're planning something, avoid smiling like this:

You're gonna be too obvious. Instead, practice smiling like this:

See? She's holding a weapon but because she's smiling so innocently, you would think it's a present.

So, ALWAYS remember to smile like that.

Anyway, here are my suggestions:

1. If Mean Person is a housemate.

The Plan:

Wake up at around 3 a.m. Make sure Mean Person is sleeping so you can sneak into their room. Before you go inside the said room, get a pinch of sugar. Note that I said sugar because it's sweet and fine. Go inside their room and sprinkle the sugar in their ears and quietly step out of the room and go back to sleep. In the morning, you will notice Mean Person's ears are all red and itchy. It means The Plan has worked. The ants are inside Mean Person's ears. Smile THE smile.

2. If Mean Person is a know-it-all classmate who always negates other people's efforts and suggestions.

The Plan:

When you have a group project at school, make sure your meeting takes place in your backyard and make everyone sit on the grass or on a rock. Provide unlimited supply of drinks. Group meetings always take a long time especially with a person like that so it's pretty obvious that with all the drinks and shit, Mean Person is gonna go to the bathroom to pee. This is your opportunity. Grab one of the huge rocks and put it inside Mean Person's book bag. When they come back, smile THE smile.

3. If Mean Person is simply unbearable, self-centered, self-obsessed (and everything that starts with self),  cocky, immature, bitch, who always thinks about what other people think of them... Well-- in one word, unbearable. But I said that already.

So Mean Person wants to hang out the coming weekend.

The Plan:

Say yes. Do not make some silly excuse on why you can't make it. Things like that don't work because they can always reschedule. Just say yes and do not take a shower the whole week. Do not even use deodorant. Remember, Mean Person always cares about what other people think of them so you need to do something over the top that they wouldn't want to hang out with you again.

Dress up like a stinky hooker. Use onion extract as body spray if you need to. Just make sure you stink.

Also, make sure they arrive at your meeting place first.

And show up like this:

Suzy Johnson's pictures found here.

UPDATE: Okay. This is a OBVIOUSLY a satire and not supposed to be taken seriously.


  1. Now I know what to do with my annoying housemate. I stored plenty of sugar already so all I have to do is summon the ants to make sure they come on time for their mission. hmmm...

  2. Phineas and Ferb!!!


    Okay bitch... You have a sick, twisted little mind... AND I FUCKING LOVE IT!

    There is NO WAY we wouldn't kick the shit out of the ruler of the world scheme!


  3. This made me smile. I needed that today.

  4. Hahahaha must remember to creepy smile like that. Genius.

  5. I'm ringing my hands right now just thinking of ways I can find mean people just to put these plans to use!

  6. Do people usually shower more than once a week? Oh... :/

    I need to take notes, I know a few mean people who deserve the rock in the backpack, or to the head, same thing right?

  7. What does one do to a mean ex-boyfriend? Hrm ...? The flaming bag of poop, and the eggs and toilet paper routine is so blah-say these days. Perhaps one could take out an ad in the paper and broadcast that said mean ex-beau has syphillis, chlamydia AND crabs. [[SMILE]] Then again that involves slander and all that other legal jargon. So what can one angry fat Asian do? So far said Asian has been hoping he steps in a big pile of dog shit EVERY DAY.

  8. BRILLIANT. Good luck lol :)

  9. Has some one ever mentioned you are crazy!!!!! You are just too much Gnetch hahaha... don't make me laugh so hard..... hahahaha

  10. Love "the smile" !

    It's true that revenge is a dish best served cold (although that last suggestion totally grossed me out!) :-)

    Thanks for the afternoon laugh!

  11. I m rolling on the floor...

    rub onion extract..sugar in the tell me which one hav u tried gurl

  12. POW!

    You're so evil...I'm impressed. I promise I'll never ignore your tag and concentrate on your wish to be Suri Cruise ever again. PROMISE.

    *shrinks away in fear*

  13. I love the underarm POW!!! It totally makes that drawing!

  14. #3 is perfect! I love that.

    Shit, am I supposed to be showering more than once a week??? No wonder.....

  15. onion extract?? OMG... loooll!!=D

    btw gnetch, I gave u a blog award.. check ot, ok! ;)

  16. Jan: Just remember, be sneaky. And smile The Smile.

    Ashley: Ah, you watch it too, bitch? I love that show!! Haha! We totally ARE the ruler of the world. No one can beat us. :/

    Ashton: I'm super glad.

    Sarah: Aww... You said the magic sentence! Thank you so much.

    B: Isn't it the most perfect smile ever? Suzy Johnson is the best.

    Chicken: You can always find mean people. Provoke nice people until they become mean and then you can use these plans. LOL

    Sam: Haha! Yes, actually it's the same thing. But a rock to the head is a little violent. Remember, we are a bunch of non-violent babes here. :D

    Tyla: Well, you can give out ex-boyfriend's phone number to strangers saying that he sells the best pizza. That way, people will call him every effing minute ordering pizza. He's gonna go crazy. Haha! ((hugs))

    Em: LOL Thanks.

    Ratz: Actually, my friends say that all the time. I don't understand why. I think I'm pretty normal.

    Shayna: Suzy's smile is a winner. Haha! Thanks so much.

    Meg: Oh get up, Meg. Your clothes are gonna get dirty. Haha. Honestly, the second one is a true story. Mean Person didn't question that her bag suddenly became heavier. She just assumed she was tired. She got really pissed when she found a rock inside her bag when she got home.

    TbR: Keep that promise and I will let you live. Haha!

    Sami: LOL Thanks!

    Guys: Haha! Twice a week would be enough, I guess. Thanks for stopping by.

    Tann: I saw your post. You guys are spoiling me. Thanks, Tann.

  17. OMG!!! hilarious!! first love the smile!! n alll the plans!! rofl!!!! :D :D

    u're amazing Gnetch..completely!! :)

  18. First, I saw your blog from "Upside Down". I read all the contents of each tab and decided that I wanted to be one of your followers, nice blog!

    Next, thanks for sharing those plans on how to get even with mean people in not so obvious ways. I'll surely put them to use one of these days.

  19. so the next blog will be "violent ways to get back at someone", right?

  20. Deeps: Thanks so much. I'm glad I made you laugh.

    Sey: Thanks for following. Oh, you totally should be sneaky when putting these plans into action. And smile "The Smile."

    Good Girl Gone Grad: I don't know. I know nothing about violence. But if you want some advice on that, I can totally ask someone. :D

  21. I always wanted to fart on people's pillows and see if it gives them pink-eye like in "knocked up."

  22. I have GOT to be better about clandestine revenge.

  23. You're a mean person! J/K

    How do you come up with those ideas? You should have a how-to category!!!! ;p

  24. Wait? I wasn't supposed to take this seriously?


    Now I've got to go undo all the bad things I've done!

    So many ants to remove from people's ears... :/ (Behold it, Gnetch! Behold the emoticon from Hell!)

    You're a genius by the way. :)

  25. You don't have to resort to the first scenario baby! I'll call them ants for you:) Only for you.

    I'm all giddy now. Can I call them? can I call them? can I call them? hahahaha..

    The rest of you, tough luck!

  26. This one was hillllllllaaaaaaaarious... u've got urself a regular visitor...

  27. Ha loved this!but I cannot hide the evil smile... :p

  28. Dr. Heckle: That's another non-violent way. Awesome.

    Margaret: Haha. Yes you do.

    Johana: I honestly don't know. And yes, I think I should have a how-to category on this blog.

    Christina: Ahhhh... Remove them now!!!

    Zac: Okay. You can call them right now! I need you to ant-torture someone. :)

    Priyank: Thank you. Thank you so much!!!

    Ria: You can practice "The Smile." It will make you less suspicious.

  29. I like the way you think. I may need to hire you to live in my brain.

  30. If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

    Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

    Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

    Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

    And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

    Insert subject line here and link it to: <=========> Your ex won’t be able to resist?

    Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

    It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

    And even begging to be with you.

    Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

    Thanks again.

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