Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Sexy Time (May or may not involve flashing. Oh, and other sexy things.)

There's probably some weird rumor going on around the net about me. Like, I think people are saying I'm a dude.



Oh, you want proof???

So I had to blur my other E-mail address because I use this one for professional things. I know, right?

I've also been getting spams from pimps asking me to learn about the "closed itches of my horny girlfriend" and "meet plennyy of ladiez."

Closed itches? Ew.


I can't even...

But thank you for making me feel less stupid about my typos, asshole.

FYI, spammers?

I'M A GIRL OKAY?!!!! Do I have to remind you every time???

So what? Should I dress like a guy now so it's not so weird for you? Because I'm totally thinking about your feelings here.

Do you like my moustache???

How about my Bieber hair???

Oh yeah, and that dude behind me is totally jealous.

Should I start dressing like this?
I look totally cute as a guy.
And do I have to get to know porn stars by name now?

I'm so hot when I'm angry. Those teeth! Dang!
See that censored picture? 


Got it?

Also, Google (and other search engines) my blog is not a porn site, remember?

Stop leading people here when they are looking for porn sites!!!

The blue ones are from Google Analytics. The green ones are from StatCounter.

Okay. I take that back. I kind of love these search keywords. Honestly. That's why I keep reviewing them. I mean, is there any other blog that attracts a person who looks for nude frontal pictures of Danny Devito? None!!!

I'm kind of expecting more perverted keywords after this post.

So share your search keywords! Make everyone laugh.

So I'm not really THAT angry. I'm just, you know. Overdramatic. And bored. Soooo...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

How To Win Over An Attractive Woman. Alt. Title: "And somehow, I came up with a story where I can use my old drawings."

So I asked my friend Matt for a blog topic suggestion and he suggested that I give tips on how to win over attractive women. And he demanded that I be semi-serious. As if my previous post wasn't serious enough.

What does serious mean anyway, Google?

Oh. Google doesn't know either.

So okay. I'm not gonna assume that you are having some sort of woman trouble. No, not at all (squinty, judgmental stare).

And because I know that most men don't understand women AT ALL, I decided to write what Matty suggested. Also, because I asked for a topic.

So.... Yeah.

So this post is dedicated to all the men who read my blog.

And to the women, too, so they know when to be impressed.

So here are the tips:

(I am Semi-Serious)

The attractive woman. Supposedly. I mean, with that annoying Daffy Duck face pout and all.
First of all, you need to be interesting. And make her feel like you like talking to them but AVOID sounding desperate. Try to impress her but be cool about it. If you know what I mean.

Here are the most common qualities attractive women look for in a guy:

  • A guy who thinks about the future.
  • Badass. But in a good way.
  • A guy who is cool and not easily embarrassed.
  • A guy who takes care of himself.
  • Sweet.
  • Not selfish.
  • Some sort of a hero.

That's all. Pretty simple. Women are not as complicated as you guys think, you over-dramatic, hormonal, sensitive creatures!

Anyway, you can show the girl you like that you have all these qualities by simply talking to her and telling her a story. Of course you should initiate the talking.

Impress her.

Tell her your life stories with a twist.

For example, this is your story: On your way home, it suddenly grew dark. Like really suddenly. This made you panic that you ran really fast and got home panting heavily.

So do you think it's an interesting story? Totally NOT. She might just say, "Oh. Okay." End of conversation. Or worse, she might fall asleep while you're talking. It would be a turn off, trust me. And your ego is gonna be crushed!

Instead, add an unexpected twist. Make it interesting. Notice I emphasized the words unexpected and interesting. Because that's how I roll. (That didn't even make sense.)

So tell your story like this:
"I was on my way home, seriously thinking about life and all (thinking about the future - check!) and suddenly, it grew dark! I don't know what happened. It just did!"

"I was so shocked that my mouth was open the whole time I was walking! Like, 'Man what the fuck!'" (Cussing: An indication of badassness. Check!)

"And because it was too dark, I didn't notice that there was a huge rock in front of me so I tripped!!!" (Admitting embarrassing moments will make her think that you're cool and not easily embarrassed. Check!)

"So I sat on a nearby bench and nursed my very soft and delicate feet (she'll totally be impressed by this fact because this means you take care of yourself, so check!) and then the red ants attacked me." (Red ants = indication that you're sweet.)

"And then I heard screams! Screams of scared people! So I decided to ignore the pain I was feeling and help the people in need." (Altruism. Very impressive. Check!)
"AND THEN I SAW A DRAGON! It was breathing fire on people. Good thing I brought my shield and saved them but daaaamn it was close!" (Heroic move. Check!)
"And then I went home."
Clearly, this version is more interesting. This will work.

You're totally welcome.

So everyone, if you need tips on something, or advice, or you want to ask anything, I can totally help you. E-mail me or leave it in the comments. I'm sure I can help you because you see, I'm like the god of tips.

And again, this didn't make sense at all.


That's all (smiling emoticon).


In other news, my 500th follower asked me if I could promote his blog and since he's the 500th, I guess I should. So check out A Guy Named Lulu. He draws too. And his blog is funny.