There comes a point in a person's life where they start to think about serious things like why they do certain things they don't understand. Like, you know, why they stay up at night and struggle waking up in the morning, why deciding whether to get out of the bed to pee or hold it in because the Internet is awesome is always a tough decision, or why people who post vague statuses on Facebook and Twitter to get attention annoy the fuck out of them...
Oh, it's just me?
Okay. Forget it. It's not really what I'm going to talk about anyway.
No, really. It wasn't. Move on.
I was spacing out
at work (ahem) one night and a brilliant idea came to me!
I decided to give YOU a chance to make your lives more awesome.
|I'm the nicest person you know, mofo.|
|Ooops! Who shot this picture?|
PROS AND CONS OF ADOPTING ME:
Oh hey, I play fair!
1. If you're a vegetarian and eating meat makes you feel guilty:
I could help you feel less guilty about eating meat by putting pictures like this everywhere:
You may not be able to eat ANYTHING for a few days. Or months. Depending on how guilt works on you,
2. If you're addicted to sports and the Internet:
I could help you get over your addiction. I could use your computer all day without complaints. And I could change the TV channel to something more relevant and take the remote everywhere I go.
Or I could just hide it somewhere when I'm lazy. But that would only happen occasionally, so no need to worry about that.
Hey, it's like you have your own rehab facility nurse in your own home!
Your electricity bill might increase up to 100%.
3. If you're the type of person who couldn't stand doing nothing and gets bored easily:
I would never have you run out of things to do. Ever. That's a promise.
You could make me a sandwich, a lemonade, coffee, tea, bake me a cupcake, make me breakfast, lunch, and dinner, fix my bed, clean OUR room... Whatever you like!!! As long as they're delicious, the food I mean, (which I think they'd be - see? I have SO much faith in you) there's not gonna be a problem.
No cons. At all. Because you win in this situation. Not only will you get what you want, but also, this could help you stay physically fit, going back and forth to the kitchen and such.
Aw. Don't mention it.
Oh! Also, if you have A LOT of money and spending it is starting to become such a burden, you could give, like, HALF of it to me. I won't complain. It's like charity. You'll feel awesome.
Wow! Right? How can you say no to this? It's like adopting me would be the best decision you could ever make in your entire life!
Consider this my Christmas offer to you.
(For some reason, the font of this post is effed up. Sorry about that. Blogger keeps changing some of the paragraphs to Times. Damn, Blogger. What now?)