Thursday, April 8, 2010

My Hate Texter: The (almost) Whole Story

You remember my hate texter? That crazy girl who has a foot for a boyfriend? Yes? So you wanna hear how it all started?



Okay then, bye!

Kidding. I'll tell you anyway.

This is an update. Sort of.

I'd like to share some of the texts she has sent me. Read them C-A-R-E-F-U-L-L-Y.

First, let's call her by the name Lisa*.

You can imagine her looking like this:


"Hey, had a nice time chatting with Jerry yesterday?"
  • I ignored this text because I thought she sent it to me by mistake. And who the fuck was Jerry? At that time, I didn't know that foot-looking guy had a name. Wait. Let me correct that. Of course he had a name. He IS human! How could I forget little details like that! Okay. At that time, I didn't know the guy's name. There. Sounds better.

"What, Jeanette? (ohnoyoudidn'tjustcallmethat!) Did you two have a fun time? I'm actually glad that you are hitting it off. I like it when MY BOYFRIEND gets along with my friends."
  • Now this made me realize that this girl - Lisa - is in fact, crazy. Because we are not friends! No, I'm just kidding. I realized she was crazy because I didn't even look at Foot Guy. Not even a GLANCE. And what's up with the MY BOYFRIEND in all caps?

"Nice pictures, huh."
  • I was like, "What pictures?" This made me call our common friend. I asked her what Lisa's problem was. She said she'd ask. Then she called me back and told me that Lisa thought I was flirting with Foot Guy when I sang "Underneath Your Clothes" on karaoke (I know. Shut up.). And the GROUP pictures we didn't even know Foot Guy took made her hate me even more. Apparently, that song was HER song for HIM when their relationship was just starting (and I just threw up in my mouth). Damn! I should've asked for her permission first. My mistake!
And that made me decide to blog it.

So anyway, want more text messages from her?

"Are you stupid that you don't even know how to text?"
  • Because I wasn't texting her back.

"I knew you were faking it when you said it was nice to see me again."
  • Well, I did actually say that to her. But it was more like, "It's so nice of you to come," or something. I didn't want her to feel awkward because aside from Foot Guy and our common friend, I was the only person she knew at that party. But that was the only thing I said to her. I think.

Damn! These text messages sound less intense when translated to English! Oh well. I got more crazy texts from this Lisa girl but I've deleted them already. But it came to a point that I almost wanted to follow Ashley's advice: Next time she msgs you remind her that her boyfriends thinking about you when he's banging her!

Hmmm... I still think that this IS a good idea. And I know you're all gonna say, "That girl is crazy!" But honestly, I feel sorry for Lisa. She has issues. And she's young. Yes, she's like 19 or so. I actually want to give her a gift to let her know that I'm a NICE person. And she has stopped texting me so I don't need to, you know, get back on her. That's like CHILDISH. (Right.)

Now, I need you guys to help me pick out a gift for her. Lisa is slender and maybe 3 inches taller than me. I think this jacket would look good on her:

A straitjacket. What do you guys think?

*REAL NAME! Hahaha! (so much for the "no need to get back at her.")


I just need to do this.

I'd like to say thanks to Andhari! You really, really surprised me, I got nauseous! No. Just kidding. But THANK YOU!

And to the two others who voted - *whispers* your checks will arrive tomorrow. Shhh...


  1. You deserve to be a featured blogger in 20sb. I hope your other readers read this and nominate you too. You're awesome!:)

    Ps. That Lisa girl belongs to Building C in Shutter Island. Neurotic much.

  2. ANDHARI: YOU are awesome. Again, thank you!

    Lisa will be confined soon. I guess. Haha! Paranoid much.

  3. I know someone Lisa should meet. It's a hate-texter like herself. This girl hasn't been bothering me. She's been harassing my best friend, actually showed up at her job not too long ago. All because she thinks her boyfriend who happens to be over 1000 miles away is somehow sleeping with my friend. Still haven't figured out how that works.

  4. I pity that girl! Lol! Glad you didn't get crazy reading her messages. I once had one like that last year and i was totally pissed.

  5. Sounds like you might have yourself a bit of a stalker. Does Jerry know she's doing this? Does she do this to anyone else?? One of my friends was dating a girl like that, she was always really jealous of a girl he was good friends with before they even met. In the end, it really ruined their relationship. After they broke up, she unfriended him and all of his friends (including me). It was a fun couple days, though, playing the "Who did Vicki unfriend today?" game.

  6. I would probably send really creepy texts in reply (like questions about fairies or unicorns, or "I'm horny"). That would either stop the hate texts, or elevate them to an even funnier level.

    Good luck dealing with this girl.

  7. Well this sounds like a classic case of the crazy girl. I have had way too many women send me crazy-ass shit like this over something I didn't do.
    In fact, just last week I got an email from a girl who is apparently going to marry an ex of mine. A man I have not seen in five years. I haven't spoken to him in two years, and that was a quick how are ya email.
    The email I got was from his fiance, she had included a scanned image of the invitation to his engagement party with the message at the top:
    just so you know, you're not invited.
    Girls are crazy man.
    Good thing you're pretty rad. And yes, I did just use that word. That's how serious I am.

  8. Do I need to go Christina the Crusher on that crazy bitch and open up a can of whoop-ass over there for her messing with my little buddy? Because I totally will.

    Crazy people. God I hate them...

  9. You should send her photoshopped pictures of your face on Megan Fox's body and foot guy's footface on Shia's body.

  10. Girl you're way too nice. You want to send her a gift? What if she thinks that you're tryna exchange a gift for HER BOYFRIEND? But if your heart is telling you it's the right thing to do then by all means do it. I would be vexed. And if I must help you then I'd say you buy her a candle holder! ;p

  11. ashton - okay. these crazy girls are really awful! give her a straitjacket too. haha!

    michelle - it was more like i was laughing when she was texting me. but i must admit, at first i was pissed.

    jill - oh, no, don't say that! hahaha. yeah, go ahead, say it. she is CRAZY.

    david - that sounds like a fun game^. and no, i don't know if jerry knew that lisa was crazy-texting me. i never even bothered to know.

    tina k - i almost used my brother's cellphone to tease her. like try to flirt with her and see if she would flirt back. i think she cheated on her ugly boyfriend that's why she thinks the ugly guy is cheating on her too.

    ryan - hahaha. that girl's a bitch. you should've responded: "like i care."

    christina - oh no. when she gets the straitjacket, the mental institution will take her. and that would be -THE END-

    sara - well, that seems like a good idea.

    johana - oh no! the straitjacket i will send her will surely take her to a mental institution. because straitjackets are for dangerously crazy bitches like her. ;)

  12. Guess you women like your drama crazy! :P

  13. Lovely!
    ""Are you stupid that you don't even know how to text?"

    * Because I wasn't texting her back."
    My FAVORITE! Laughed so hard.

  14. Do straitjackets come in hot pink?

    That sounds like the perfect gift for a whacked out teenage girl.

  15. @Some Kind of Funky - Thank you. ;)

    @Rainey - Oh, I totally wish they come in hot pink. Or neon green! That would be perfect. lol

  16. New follower. You had me at "foot for a boyfriend".

  17. You know what's even better than hate texters? Facebook haters. I love when I see people getting into it via Facebook. Even if I don't know either of them, I love piping in with my own 2 sentence-long, ridiculously outrageous comment just to fuel the fire. Then, I grab some popcorn, and sit back to wait for the fireworks.

  18. poor girl! She must have some serious issues! You knew her from before and never seen any other sign of such behavior?

  19. @Chicken - Haha. Thanks. :)

    @Los Schoenys - Oh, I should try that some time. That would be fun.

    @Carina - I've met this girl maybe 3 times. But we never really talked or became "friends." And I thought she was this quiet, shy, reserved type. I WAS WRONG!!! :D