Tuesday, February 15, 2011

New Holidays. Because there are things that matter more than THAT Valentine's Day Crap. And Holy Shit, I'm back!

I hate to disappoint you but this is NOT an anti-Valentine's day post.


I gotta say that I have heard enough bitter statements about Valentine's day yesterday so I decided to do something different. But only just a little bit.

Have you noticed that there are not enough special days to make every person in the world happy? I mean, come on! It's true. Valentine's day is for couples. What about those who are single? (Ahem).

What about those who are pissed off?

What about those who are lazy?

Don't we have a special day for them??

So again, here I am, trying to save the world by making it fair for everyone. I'm working on world domination peace, remember?

Because I'm awesome like that.

So I have come up with a few legendary Special Days that should make EVERYONE happy.

Not just couples.

Are you ready for this?

The Smell Like A Hobo Day.
This is the day when you are allowed to smell like hell and no one would judge you because everyone else smells the same. Stinky armpits, last night's dinner in your mouth, flies following you around like your some kind of Justin Bieber for the flies, etc. The smellier you are, the more famous you'll be. But just for one day.
PLEASE! Do not exceed. Or else, the next day should be Kill The People Who Smell Like A Hobo Day.

The Please Don't Let Taylor Swift Sing Ever Again Or I'll Get Kanye Day. (Or the I'ma Let You Finish Day).
I don't even have to explain this. The person who encouraged her to become a singer should be tickled in the nose with a dusty feather for 30 days straight.

Kick To Show You Care Day.
 This is the day when you can show the person you care about that you TOTALLY care by kicking them. It's super awesome. You will be able to test how strong and flexible your legs are and show your affection at the same time. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate, right?

Punch Random People Because I Feel Like Shit Day.
This day is for everyone as well. If you're a girl and you feel stabby because of PMS but you don't really feel like bringing a knife anywhere you go because it's not really that fashionable to bring a knife and also it might ruin your cutey pinky purse, just punch anyone. Random people! And if you're a guy and you're drunk and feeling violent, this day is perfect for you too. Not only will it make you feel better but also? It will make other people who get left out on other special days feel like they belong. It's for a good cause. See?

Lazy/Procrastinator's Day

Well, I haven't decided the exact dates we should celebrate these super awesome special days so you can celebrate anytime you want. Go ahead. Physically assault someone with wild abandonment.