Monday, January 9, 2012

Because Exercising Is Too Mainstream

I don't exercise. At all. Even when I *think* I need to. Well I know the health benefits of working out and staying fit and all that, that it's good for the body, it's good for the heart, blah, blah, blah, but they don't motivate me enough to start working out.

For real.

Reasons? You know, laziness, procrastination, like, "Okay, I'll start working out tomorrow." But then I don't.

So yeah.

Well I tried going to the gym. But I gave up after about 5 or 6 sessions because I'm poor I was busy.

I also tried yoga. I did! I attended like 4 sessions but I paid for 6. Why I stopped, you ask?


Which was kind of embarrassing. And frustrating.

It was a very dramatic moment.

Please don't tell anyone.

Here's sort of how it went.

First session:

ME: *Tries to cheat by slightly bending the knees to reach my toes.*
YOGA INSTRUCTOR: (In a soft voice) Noh, noh, noh. Noh bending. Knees. Straight. Noh bending.

Second session:

ME: *Tries to balance self on one foot.* *Loses balance.* *Giggles.*

YOGA INSTRUCTOR:  (Still in a soft voice. She was very calm and soft spoken and shit.) Concentret... Concentret... Noh laughing...

And then my most hated position ever:

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: Let us all seet down and reech ar toss. Slohhhly...

ME: *Still can't reach my toes* *Tries to cheat again by bending my knees.*


Well you know how it went.

So anyway those were my fitness horror stories. Do you have yours?

Wait. I almost forgot where this post was supposed to go.

This is actually a "How *Not* To Make It Obvious That You *Hate* Exercising So You Don't Get Dirty Looks From People Judging You That You're Just Humble-Bragging" post.

(Had to emphasize some words with asterisks. Because that's what cool people do. Yo.)

You didn't see that one coming, did you?

Oh, you did? Damn, I'm losing my touch!
But whatever. Let's begin.

1. Come in late for work Or school. Every. Fucking. Time. Or even if you're just meeting a friend. Always come in late.

I didn't say it would be an acceptable excuse but at least you made them think that you go to the gym. That's the whole point, right?

2. Date someone who obviously goes to the gym a lot.

"Go to the gym." Yes. This would be the safest statement because it's not exactly saying that you work out. Maybe you go to the gym because you like secretly staring at girls who work out, being creepy you're bored.

3. Get some muscles. Buy shirts with printed muscles on them and viola!!!!

So there you go. I helped you again. I don't know but sometimes, I feel like I'm too nice to you guys. Kind of enabling, don't you think? No?

Meh. You deserve this. I love you too much.

(The spaces keep getting messed up. Sorry about that.)