If you don't mind, I'm gonna teach you how to prepare an inedible meal. Probably. It actually depends on your taste. But it's pretty much inedible.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So!

Are you ready for food porn? I mean, my new cooking show?

[Insert the show's theme song here. Probably something very appropriate like She Bangs.]

Let's go to the kitchen now.

Awesome, right?

So I'm going to teach you how to make a no-bake cake. Well because the show is pretty much about fire prevention. I'm thinking of everyone's safety here. Don't judge.

Also because no-bakes are easier to do.

All you have to do is to make sure you have everything in your fridge. Like Nigella Lawson does.


Actually, you know what? It's not fair that everything she needs just magically appears in her fridge like that but you know, it's a TV show. Maybe it's a camera trick. Just maybe. The hell do I know?

No. I'm not badmouthing her just because she's a competition. Of course not. I'm a mature, independent cooking show host.

Anyway.

Here are the things you need:

You need to come up with a name as unique as this. I'm really this creative.

These things are pretty easy to find. (Do you have dog dander in your fridge, Nigella? Huh? How about the zombie toenails? Ha!)

What you need to do is mix everything into a bowl. Except for the frosting. You have to mix that in a separate bowl. But that's pretty much common sense. I mean, come on! Are you an idiot?

That's totally not poison inside the bottle. Totally not.

And when you're done, just shape it with your bare hands and put it inside the fridge.


Aaaaand? VIOLA!

Well, if you think you can eat it, feel free.

Side effects include:

• Alternating diarrhea and constipation.
•  Nightmares.
• Dementia.
• And probably infinite loneliness.

*No zombies were harmed during the production of this TV show. 

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
I'm currently hiring food tasters for this new show. Let me know if you're interested. Qualifications include badassness, awesomeness, and ability to kiss ass. A superb acting ability would be a plus. The pay will be good. Free food cooked by me for you and your whole family! Yay!