Monday, September 12, 2011

If you don't mind, I'm gonna teach you how to prepare an inedible meal. Probably. It actually depends on your taste. But it's pretty much inedible.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So!

Are you ready for food porn? I mean, my new cooking show?


[Insert the show's theme song here. Probably something very appropriate like She Bangs.]


Let's go to the kitchen now.


Awesome, right?

So I'm going to teach you how to make a no-bake cake. Well because the show is pretty much about fire prevention. I'm thinking of everyone's safety here. Don't judge.

Also because no-bakes are easier to do.

All you have to do is to make sure you have everything in your fridge. Like Nigella Lawson does.


Actually, you know what? It's not fair that everything she needs just magically appears in her fridge like that but you know, it's a TV show. Maybe it's a camera trick. Just maybe. The hell do I know?

No. I'm not badmouthing her just because she's a competition. Of course not. I'm a mature, independent cooking show host.

Anyway.

Here are the things you need:

You need to come up with a name as unique as this. I'm really this creative.

These things are pretty easy to find. (Do you have dog dander in your fridge, Nigella? Huh? How about the zombie toenails? Ha!)

What you need to do is mix everything into a bowl. Except for the frosting. You have to mix that in a separate bowl. But that's pretty much common sense. I mean, come on! Are you an idiot?

That's totally not poison inside the bottle. Totally not.
And when you're done, just shape it with your bare hands and put it inside the fridge.


Aaaaand? VIOLA!


Well, if you think you can eat it, feel free.

Side effects include:
  • Alternating diarrhea and constipation.
  •  Nightmares.
  • Dementia.
  • And probably infinite loneliness.

*No zombies were harmed during the production of this TV show. 

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
I'm currently hiring food tasters for this new show. Let me know if you're interested. Qualifications include badassness, awesomeness, and ability to kiss ass. A superb acting ability would be a plus. The pay will be good. Free food cooked by me for you and your whole family! Yay!

21 comments:

  1. I am willing to taste it .
    Okay, I could eat it all .
    Really the most that will happen is I'll blow flames out my butt , but hey !
    I do that everyday anyways.

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  2. haha girl you're crazy! i wanna be a food-taster :D

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  3. Do you provide Beano and some Rolaids? Cause if so, I'm there babe! ;-)

    - Jay

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  4. Oh gosh, just the ingredients list made me laugh! You are so silly! The toilet water part is pretty gross though!

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  5. Im your taster!!!! why you ask..because Im fucking badass!!!!!

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  6. Zombie nails??? Oooh! Gross, hahaha.. You're seriously a sick cook, but what the heck, gimme tha piece of... :P

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  7. uh-oh! looks good but i think i'll pass on this one haha!

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  8. Um, Teach? How exactly are we supposed to harvest the dog dander and zombie toenails?

    *Waits expectantly with pencil poised*

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  9. I think we should collaborate and do a cookbook. What do you think?

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  10. I'll hunt zombies for you but I'll pass as a taster. hahaha! Don't tell me we'll gonna hunt Zombies in ______? LOL!

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  11. I put toilet water in all of my cakes... I like chocolate, so you can't really tell...

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  12. You have an interesting blog. It's really different. I wouldn't have found it if you weren't famous now, thanks to Blogger.

    Congrats on being Blogger's Blog of Note!

    http://www.newjerseymemories.com

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  13. Congratulations on your "Blog of Note" award!

    from Barbie and Ken of the Barbies4Sale blog.

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  14. I tried to make this but lacked some ingredients. Is there a substitute for zombie toenails?

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  15. Nice blog, very...interesting. Anyways, I just started blogging and kinda need some feedback on it, so anyone that wants to come, come take a look. I talk about good stuff.

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  16. Too funny. Congrats on being a Blog of Note!

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  17. Haha! I'm seriously loving your blog! Thanks for your crude honesty...you make me laugh out loud! Please keep posting. :)

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  18. My husband will eat anything except green grapes and marshmallows.
    And thanks for the heads up on the onions. So what your saying is that what I always assumed was depression is actually onions? I can quit taking my crazy pills if I quit buying onions? Awesome.

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