Sunday, March 27, 2011

It's like you're trying to sabotage my fame.

Don't you think it kind of sucks when you know you're about to get something and you end up getting disappointed? Because you think you're almost there then BAM! Wake up bitch. Dream's over.

Kinda happens to me a lot. LIKE A LOT!

It's like the world is trying to sabotage me. Trying to sabotage my dreams.

There's more to me than meets the eye, you know?

Guess what? I'll tell you something. I know you think I look familiar but you just can't remember where you've seen me. Right? I know that's how you guys feel when you see me.

So let me refresh your memory.

You may have seen me in the news. I have managed to get small parts in a few movies that you know.

I'm *almost* kind of a big deal.

But for some reason, I always get fired. That's why I'm always in the news.

I was supposed to be in Twilight.

But the scene where I was supposed to be in got deleted because according to the producers, my appearance wasn't really that relevant. NOT RELEVANT? I gave my best vampire impression there!!! Without the fangs. But still. I was fierce!

I was also supposed to be in Inception.

They fired me because I posed when I was supposed to pretend I was sleeping??? It kind of pissed them off.

You may have seen me in A Walk To Remember.

I didn't get fired. But I didn't get a long-enough camera exposure. They took the camera off me when I covered my nose. But I had to! Someone there farted so can you blame me? If you didn't see me there, then you weren't paying close attention.

I was also in Terminator 2. Where I met Edward Furlong. My first love.

But I was fired because according to them, I was supposed to act worried, scared, and panicky! Not smiling like a love drunk. I'm sure the girls understand. But it annoyed the producers. And my co-actors.

But the biggest movie I have ever landed a role in?




Here's another one.

But I got deleted in these scenes. They gave me all these nonsense BS like, "You weren't supposed to be wearing a swimsuit!" And, " You aren't supposed to look happy! You are cold and drowning!" But can you blame me? I didn't want to be just another nervous drowning person. I wanted to be the "cool" drowning person. Also, what the hell did they know, right? What if one of the passengers was really wearing a swimsuit JUST IN CASE?

It pissed them the fuck off because, well, IT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT.

Dammit. I think the world is trying to tell me something. Or maybe, just maybe, someone somewhere is trying to sabotage my attempts in becoming successful.

Well no, I'm still not gonna do what other stars do. Like spread naked pictures of themselves and SURPRISE! A movie project. *cough*Vanessa Hudgens*cough* (Not judging. Just saying.)

What? I didn't say anything.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Hammers Are Important. You just need to know how to use them.

You know what's annoying? When you know someone who's secretly a bitch but they don't know it because they think they're nicest person on earth but when you're talking to them, it's like they're not listening because they're too caught up with themselves but they don't even know that they're being self-centered and all you can do is imagine that you're punching them in the mouth to make them stop talking.

About themselves.

Also, when they want to hang out, they would ask you for suggestions but when you say what you want to do, they'd be like, "No. What I have in mind is... SPA!!!"

And you'd be like, "Oh. That."

And they'd be all, "I was at a spa last week and it was like OH MY GOD super fun... BLAH-BLAH-BLAH..."

It's not that you hate going to a spa but it's not really your idea of fun. But their decision is final.

Also, you are pissed because they don't listen to you when you teach them how to pronounce your name correctly and they stick to how they want to call you. And it's super lame. 

Also when they keep insisting that you are just lazy that's why you don't hang out when in reality, you just have MORE important things to do (like a doctor's appointment and work?) and they know it. They're just a bad listener.

Also when they keep asking you for ideas just to brush them off because they have BETTER ideas.

Also when they ask you to go to the mall with them because they need to look for cute fashion accessories when they know that you design accessories and they keep saying that they also know how to make accessories (which brings out the question: Then why would you want to go to the mall to look for accessories if you know how to make them?)

So from there, an imaginary situation will take place. In your head. Because it's imaginary. Duh?


You both are at Starbucks and they are talking. You're fed up. You'd think about punching them but you don't want to ruin your manicure. So the best revenge would be to hammer some of their important stuff when they're not looking. Like their Blackberry. Because you don't want to get caught. Say, they go to the ladies' room. You will think: This. Is. My. Chance.

But you can't just do that. You need to make sure the phone breaks into tiny pieces, so tiny to be seen with the naked eye, that they won't even notice that it's there.

So you will measure your strength.

The thing is, you can't trust the strength calculator because the result is written in Comic Sans. Very unprofessional.

But still. Because this is imaginary, you will believe it and you will win.

But! You're not really the type of person who carries a hammer when you go out.

You will change that. Since you need something to defend yourself. Yes. Defend. Yourself. You don't want to listen anymore so that's all you can do.

And next time, you will know what to do.

Thank God for imaginations.

P.S. No. I will not bring a hammer. Don't worry.

(Remember, you *don't* hate them. You're just... uh... sayin'...?)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Super Obvious Signs That Your Baby Is Tomorrow's Most Violent Person

Your baby may be cute, adorable, sweet, and cuddly.

But that's just on the outside.

You don't really know what they are thinking because they can't talk.

Actually, they do talk. You just don't understand it. They even cuss sometimes.

Da-da? That means asshole. So if you're a dad and your baby called you Da-da, don't post it on Facebook like a proud dad. Your bundle of joy hates you.

Sorry. I'm just saying.

Also? That cute baby mumbles that he makes that sound like "mum" means bitch.

You're welcome.

Anyway, here are other signs.

1. They look at you with their bright puppy dog eyes.
If they look at you like this, they need something from you. This is their way to get affection. With just one look? THEY. OWN. YOU. 

2. They drool when they see you.
This is likely a sign of cannibalism. They want to eat you. They crave your flesh. Or maybe your blood. You may have watched Twilight many times while you were pregnant. So stop watching Twilight. I mean it.

3. They do the taste test. On you.
You may think that it's normal for babies to bite when they are teething. Who told you that?? That's super wrong! They want to taste you. And eat you when their teeth are stronger.

I still blame Twilight.

4. They hit you with HARD with their toys.
This. This is one of the strongest signs of violent tendencies. If they hit you. At such a young age. With the toy that YOU bought for them to make them happy. And don't expect those tiny arms to be weak because they are not. When they hit you, it would be painful. You know it in your heart.

5. They pee on you during diaper change.
The moment you think is the most intimate between you and your baby: Diaper change.

It's hard enough to change a diaper because babies tend to move a lot. But, do you think it's an accident that they pee so high that it goes straight to your mouth? Then how come they pee right when their diaper is removed? See?

Want another sign? If they kick you after peeing on you.

So. Just a friendly advice? Don't let cute babies fool you. The cuter they are, the more violent they could be in the future.

Again, you're welcome.

P.S. I don't really hate babies. No.

Also? This blog now has a Facebook page!!! Yay!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Random thoughts that are supposed to be posted on Twitter but of course I chose Blogger because Twitter is still lame that until now, they still haven't upgraded their 140-character - uh - thingy.

I say thingy when I don't remember a certain word.

Just thought I had to explain.

Also, I have to warn you that this is probably the most all-over-the-place blog post you'll ever read in your entire life. But I'm not drunk. No. I'm not. I swear.


I'm not a morning person. REALLY. NOT. Not that I pick fights with strangers or yell at random objects or stab animals or anything like that. I just don't function well in the morning. For instance, every time my alarm goes off, I hit snooze. I am so addicted to sleep. It's my crack. But you know that already.

What you don't know about is what actually happens when I finally manage get out of bed.

I space out.

I think about a lot of stuff that's not really necessary to even think about but I tend to think about them because as I said, I don't function normally in the morning, and I know it's not really that essential to keep repeating myself but this is my blog so deal with it.

I'm kidding.

Fuck. This new keyboard frustrates me!! I don't know what key I keep hitting accidentally but that vertical line that keeps on blinking after every letter that you type (Googled it! Insertion point. Ha!) goes everywhere WHILE I'm typing.

Anyway. (See? After a year in blogging, I still overuse anyway.)

So where was I?

Oh. Yeah. The spacing out.

Okay. So for instance, yesterday morning, I thought about about serial killers. And Horatio Caine. No, really. I did.

I know. Not really a good way to start the day. I mean, Horatio? Really?

But I remembered this post by Blogzarro and it got me thinking. About Horatio. Because he is most likely responsible for ruining a budding serial killer's future.

That was yesterday morning.

Today, I thought about winning the lottery. Last year, Tom and I made an elaborate plan to win the lottery January 2011. But I forgot everything about it. Also, I don't really play the lottery.

Thinking about it now, that must be the reason why I'm still not rich. So I blame Tom. Not that it's his fault that I'm broke. I just wanted to blame someone. Got beef?

So yeah. That's how my brain works in the morning. Well, okay. The whole day, dammit. But these thoughts come to me when I'm in the shower. This is why it takes me an hour to take a bath.

Uh. That's all. Just thought I'd share.

Oh! I made something for you, guys! Because I'm super sweet, I made cards for you to give out to the person you choose.


Hallmark should hire me as a designer. These are really sweet if I do say so myself.

I did warn you that this post was gonna be random and all over the place, right?

I kinda forgot to mention pointless. Ooops.

P.S. I'd like to thank everyone who sent me online hugs last week and this week on Facebook and Tumblr (that was shameless self-promotion right there). You guys are amazing. I love you forever, mofos!

Also? I now have a laptop! Go ahead. Congratulate me. But I'm broke now. So congratulate me AND THEN wish me luck. I don't want to die of hunger.

*mosquito drawing inspired by Natalie Dee