Wednesday, September 28, 2011

You're my favorite virtual friend. And we go way back. Remember when we got drunk?

Despite the not so many issues between my bestest Internet friend Blogger and I, they decided to make me today's Blog of Note. Which is awesome.

Which means they don't hold grudge. We are really the best of friends. We don't hate each other even when I send them hateful tweets and stuff like that.


Sometimes, I imagine that Blogger is human. And if it were, I'd have a drink with it.

And sometimes, I imagine it as a "he".

Okay. You have a dirty mind! NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

Because guy friends are sometimes cooler, that's why!

Me: Hey, Bloggidoodle, my favorite virtual friend!!! How are you?

Blogger: (Confused face.) We're not friends. Are we?

Me: (I playfully hit his arm. Very lightly. But Blogger is old and his knees are weak. He falls to the ground.) Ooops! You stupid! Haha! You don't take enough calcium! Your bones are weak! Haha!

B: .....

Me: Okay. Get up. We ARE friends. FRIENDS. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Friends. You hear? (Blogger sometimes is slow to pick up.) We go way back. Remember?

B: (Thinks really really hard.) No...?

Me: (I hide my impatience.) Okay. Remember when we were drunk, we played Hang Snooki's Brother Upside Down and my friends and I hung you upside down because you look like Snooki? And I was in a superhero costume?

B: I don't remember that! And... Snooki's brother?

Me: Well...? You're orange!

B: ...

Me: Oh! I've seen you pee! In public, you disgusting person, you!!

B: I've never done that!

Me: Oh, really?

That's a statue, by the way. No, I SWEAR!
Me: Don't be embarrassed! That's okay. I accept you. I'm your friend. No ifs, ands, or buts.

B: Why do you keep mocking me?

Me: Mocking? You? No!!! That's called being close friends! Don't take it personally! Don't you think it's awesome that we are in that level of friendship where we can mock each other???

B: I never mocked you!!!

Me: Well...? You can start now.

B: (Blogger, again, is confused. He could really be an idiot sometimes. But don't tell him I said so.) You mean, I can make fun of you? Right now?

Me: That's what I said, you dope! Haha. (I add "haha" so Blogger won't be offended. He's really sensitive and shit.)

B: Okay...? You're short.

Me: Haha! That's cool!

B: Your feet are too small, they could be mistaken for keychains.

Me: (I look at my feet. I look back at Blogger and fake a smile.) That's okay. Haha! So. Is it my turn now?

B: (Nervous face.)

Me: Don't worry. I won't mock you. Not now. I love you, my friend. You just made me a Blog of Note. How can I make fun of you? You jump, I jump, remember?

B: I'm really doubting your sincerity. That line is from Titanic!

Me: Okay. You've seen Titanic. Fine. But really, I love you! (Makes a dramatic face.) If you're a bird, then I'm a bird.

B: That's from The Notebook!

Me: You watch too many movies!!!

B: People blog about movies! Of course I know a lot of movies.

Me: You have a point. But still. Why do you doubt me?

B: Okay. I know you. You want something. What do you want?

Me: I don't want anything! Just... Uhm... Maybe let me put Adsense on my blog?

B: You know that's not possible!

Me: (Okay. He's becoming a little smarter.) But I don't do most of those things anymore! Right? I've changed!

B: Can I mock you again?

Me: ...

B: SO????

Me: Look at you, you're being impatient! Haha!!

B: (Taps foot. I'm creating a monster.)

Me: Fine! Go!

B: You're old.

Me: Okay. I'll take it. 29 is old.

B: And you're short.

Me: (Fakes a smile.) You said that already! Haha! You forgot! You must be tired. You want to go rest now? It's past your bedtime.

B: You look 10.
Me: Touche, Blogger. Touche.

I did create a monster!


In my defense, that picture was taken LAST YEAR!

Okay, that didn't really help me.

I was only joking with that kiddie pose.


Dammit. Dammit. Dammit!


On a serious note, I'd like to thank Ratzy and Dr. Heckle for letting me know about this Blog of Note thing. And thanks for the awesome messages. Dammit, you guys! Why are you so awesome?

Monday, September 12, 2011

If you don't mind, I'm gonna teach you how to prepare an inedible meal. Probably. It actually depends on your taste. But it's pretty much inedible.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


Are you ready for food porn? I mean, my new cooking show?

[Insert the show's theme song here. Probably something very appropriate like She Bangs.]

Let's go to the kitchen now.

Awesome, right?

So I'm going to teach you how to make a no-bake cake. Well because the show is pretty much about fire prevention. I'm thinking of everyone's safety here. Don't judge.

Also because no-bakes are easier to do.

All you have to do is to make sure you have everything in your fridge. Like Nigella Lawson does.

Actually, you know what? It's not fair that everything she needs just magically appears in her fridge like that but you know, it's a TV show. Maybe it's a camera trick. Just maybe. The hell do I know?

No. I'm not badmouthing her just because she's a competition. Of course not. I'm a mature, independent cooking show host.


Here are the things you need:

You need to come up with a name as unique as this. I'm really this creative.

These things are pretty easy to find. (Do you have dog dander in your fridge, Nigella? Huh? How about the zombie toenails? Ha!)

What you need to do is mix everything into a bowl. Except for the frosting. You have to mix that in a separate bowl. But that's pretty much common sense. I mean, come on! Are you an idiot?

That's totally not poison inside the bottle. Totally not.
And when you're done, just shape it with your bare hands and put it inside the fridge.

Aaaaand? VIOLA!

Well, if you think you can eat it, feel free.

Side effects include:
  • Alternating diarrhea and constipation.
  •  Nightmares.
  • Dementia.
  • And probably infinite loneliness.

*No zombies were harmed during the production of this TV show. 

I'm currently hiring food tasters for this new show. Let me know if you're interested. Qualifications include badassness, awesomeness, and ability to kiss ass. A superb acting ability would be a plus. The pay will be good. Free food cooked by me for you and your whole family! Yay!