Thursday, August 28, 2014

How to Prevent Customers From Being Mean To You

Let's say you're working at a doughnut shop, where people can customize their orders. You have to be able to deal with dozens of customers who are hungry for those delicious doughnuts that you make.

Some customers are nice and friendly, but others are just very hard to deal with.

So here are some tips on how to prevent the feeling of being harassed by a rude customer.

First of all, you have to possess that friendly vibe.

Nope. Not quite. That's too innocent. Give them the I-am-friendly-but-I-will-take-no-shit look. But don't forget the friendliness. Keep that flashing smile plastered on your face!


Now, you're ready to take your first customer for the day.

Meet Maggie. Maggie seems nice, but looks can be deceiving. So remember to keep that menacing look on your face to let her know that you will take no shit from anyone.

Getting Maggie's orders make you realize that she is a pleasant person, just like what you initially thought. So make sure you cook her doughnuts perfectly design them beautifully.

Using the icing, draw something a girl like Maggie would like. Draw a penis on one doughnut and a heart on another. Since Maggie only wanted candy sprinkles on the second doughnut, you can't make anything out of it. But it's okay.
You run out of icing so your penis and heart drawings didn't come across as such. Fail. But don't lose hope. Maggie seems like an understanding customer. And you tried your best. That's what matters.

Maggie gives you a thumbs up! That means she likes her almost-penis and almost-heart designed doughnuts! Congratulations!

Now, you're ready for your second customer. Meet Alberto.

Alberto seems too excited to get his doughnut cravings satisfied.

Calm the fuck down, Alberto. God!
Even with a customer as excited as Alberto, don't forget to keep your menacing look. Customers like him could be very demanding because their sugar cravings are high.

Time to take Alberto's order. Remember. The look.

Alberto looks like he's worried about his life. That means you're doing great with your face. He's not going to be a difficult customer.

Time to cook Alberto's doughnuts.

While waiting for Alberto's doughnuts to cook, do something productive. Sweep the floor or something. Get noticed by your boss!

You momentarily forget about Alberto's doughnuts!!! One side is overcooked! It should not exceed the line in that meter... thingy!

So what should you do in this situation? Balance it! No, not balance as in overcook both sides! Flip the doughnuts but make sure the other side is undercooked! Take the them out of the oil before the other side gets completely cooked! Who knows? Alberto might like it crunchy on one side and chewy on the other side? Right?

Color indicator shows how evenly cooked the doughnuts are. But YOU did not cook them evenly on purpose.

To make it up to Alberto, make sure you are very artistic with his doughnut design.

On the last doughnut is an almost heart, not an almost penis. You and your dirty mind!
Present the doughnuts to Alberto. Remember not to lose your menacing look.

See? Not only did he look scared, he also gave you a tip. And a peace sign! In the customer service industry, you can never fuck up with this kind of face:

And only a few will try to mess up with you.

But just when you think your day is going pretty well, two rich kids come, busy with their iPhones, pretending to text someone.

First is James.

You're tired. It's been a long day. So, once again, you fuck up. You burnt James' doughnuts.

You make it up with the doughnut design. James seem unhappy, but because of your menacing look, he said nothing. And he gave you a tip!

But then there's spoiled brat, Rudy. You can tell that he's demanding. Better not fuck up on this one.

Take Rudy's orders. His smile may be annoying that you want to wipe it off his face with your fist but no. Try not to.


And wow! A closer? A CLOSER? What are you? The mayor's son or something?

But again, because he COULD BE someone important and you just don't know it, try your best to please this customer.

According to the color indicator, Rudy's doughnuts PERFECTLY cooked.

Flavors are correct. But your hand was shaking so you fucked up juuuuuuuuuuust a little bit on the candy sprinkles. But that's not a big deal, right. 

Now, time to give asshole Rudy his orders.

Uh. Wow. Rudy is not pleased. He didn't even give you a tip!

Don't let that bring you down. Remember: Your face will get you through the day.

Fuck you too, Rudy.

Monday, August 18, 2014

How to Know If She's SO Obsessed Over You


So, how do I do this blogging thing again? Is this thing working? Hello?

Anyway, the Ray of Fucking Sunshine is back!

Thanks for this awesome pic, JayMan!
So, okay. Time to celebrate! Let's all get drunk and wax our friends' chests like bad ass friend would!

Uh. Oh, not your thing. It's okay, though. You can choose other activities. It's your life. Hey!

Here's the thing: I have noticed that men have difficulty telling whether a girl is into them or not.

So guys? Read carefully.

Women are confusing creatures! Sometimes, we make you feel like we're just leading you on. Other times, we make you feel like we're already expecting more than what you are willing to give. Can't blame us, though. You're a fucking heartthrob and we're just... psychos!

How do you like my new hair?
I'm going to give you guys some signs so you can tell if a girl is already SO into you or if it's just in that sweeeeeeet little fucking head of yours.

1.You give her a compliment. She says, "Aw..." and compliments you back.

OHMYGOD dude, she's SO into you! Who cares if you've only spoken for, like, three days? That "aw" shit? That's a code for, "Let's have a relationship!"

I would know! I'm a girl!

2. You send her a message with a joke. She replies with, "Haha!"

What flirt! She totally likes you! Everyone knows "haha" is a code for, "Have babies with me!" I mean, duh?

3. You ask her out. She agrees and says you're probably fun to hang out with because your jokes are totally haha-worthy!

Dude. Open your eyes! She's obsessed! She is expecting more than you are willing to give! She's a psycho, so beware. Cut all connections immediately because she might ruin your heartthrob status! If you went out with her, she might drug your drink, or worse, use a horse tranquillizer to knock you out, and take you home to her parents. When you come to, she will introduce you to her parents as her fiancé and tell them you got her pregnant.

Creepy, I know. But every girl you hit on gets automatically attached to you, you hot, chick-magnet! Such a hard life, I'm sorry. Try punching yourself in the face, to at least minimize the sex appeal you got.

But having a black eye could still make you look like a bad ass, which is a turn on for some girls. There's no escaping us. I'm really sorry, you irresistible stud!

Can I touch your face?


I want to explain my disappearance. Life happened. Terrible, terrible things.

I missed you guys! Aw, right? Sweet! (But this doesn't mean I'm SO into you already, okay?)