BLOBTHER

Warning: This post has crappy hand-drawn illustrations. You'll understand later. You're allowed to complain. I love you guys like that.

No. I'm kidding. You can't complain.

So.

My brother and I NEVER get along. We always find a way to argue about something. It's like our super powers clash all the time. He did not want to go to school. He doesn't have a job. He's been a bum since birth. And he's not willing to help with the chores too. So, now you know why.

He had a part-time job about 2 years ago but it wasn't because he wanted to help me with the expenses. OH GOD NO!! It was for him to save money to buy a desktop PC. He's addicted to online games and all that shit. After he bought his desktop, he started living the live of a sedentary blob. Yes. A. Fucking. Blob. Not that useful and NOT RECYCLABLE.

That's my sister's finger on the side. :)

Being the only one who's working (saving the world, punching douchebags, you know? The normal stuff?), it pisses the fuck out of me when the stupid evil in him comes out. Especially when my superpowers run out.

Despite the fact that he's lazy as hell (so, hell's lazy because I said so), he could be very bossy and demanding. He has no idea how to talk to everyone nicely and he acts as if he's the one who's feeding the family. Believe me.

You don't have a choice anyway.

Friday night, while I was having an FB chat with Sweta, using Blobther's PC of course, (well, surprise!! I'm using his PC when I blog), the monitor got possessed. Maybe it was him who possessed his monitor. Because suddenly? It started to go crazy. Like-- monster crazy!

It messed up with my eyes so bad that they started to bleed.

JUST KIDDING! But you really didn't buy that, did you?

Anyway, I turned off the PC and decided to sleep. Then Blobther came home at around 5AM, turned on his PC and found the monster monitor. Knowing that I was the one who used it last, he wanted me to pay for it. In the most annoying way possible.

The I-am-the-boss-who-can-threaten-you-because-I-don't-want-to-make-it-obvious-that-I'm-a-loser tactic

The I'll-follow-you-wherever-you-are-in-the-house-and-pretend-that-I'm-trying-to-figure-out-what's-wrong-with-the-monitor-in-front-of-you tactic. Or in short, the attention whore tactic.

So I was like:

And he was all:

What the fucking, fucking, fuck?? Is this like blackmail? Extortion? Death threat?

Okay. Not really death threat. But not being able to blog is kinda life-threatening. So technically, it was a death threat.

But THAT pissed me off BIGFUCKINGTIME!! I would be able to buy my own PC if and only if he has a job. But he doesn't. I hate to put it this way but I feed him. And I pay the electricity bills half of his Internet bills. Simply put, I am the breadwinner.

Oooops! Wrong illustration.

So anyway, Blobther is a pain in the ass. Like you haven't figured it out already. Ha! And he has the thickest skin in the face of the planet. I might have to invent a special lotion for him.

And now, I don't have a PC to use at home. I still read your blogs at work. (Don't tell my boss.)

Anyway, I'd like to thank my sister for helping me color my drawings and a friend who let me borrow her laptop.

This friend:

Go ahead. Say hi to her. Make her an internet sensation. Like my bruise!

Of course I have nice people around me too!

That's because I'm nice.

DO. NOT. ARGUE!

P.S. I had to draw the illustrations because using MS Paint and a mouse takes years. And I have to return this laptop right away. It's easier to draw and upload.

UPDATED! The Online Blogger Social Part 2! More badass than the last time. But we have 2 uninvited guests.

It is time!!

So as you know, we have organized another online blogger social! This time, our theme is Martini/Mud Mask. But unfortunately, some of us (including me) didn't have access to martinis at the moment. So EXPECT different kinds of ALCOHOL!

I know. We're badass like that.

WARNING TO THE GOOGLERS: THE PHOTOS USED HERE ARE PERSONAL PHOTOS OF THE PARTICIPANTS AND YOU ARE NOT, IN ANY WAY, ALLOWED TO USE THEM ON YOUR OWN BLOGS OR WEBSITES OR WHATEVER. WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! I SWEAR! DO YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE?


So!! Let's begin!

First up is Tyla (Run Fat Girl Run & The Constant Bachelorette), one of my co-organizers. If you're looking for short and straight-to-the point blogs, you should visit hers.

She brought 4 kinds of Martinis.

*****

Next one, obviously, is me! I brought Vodka Mudshake because I can't mix myself a Martini.

And also because I like Vodka. Deal with it.

Boring, I know.

Still boring. I tried, fuckers!

Yes. That's a bed sheet behind me. I had to cover my room because I didn't want anyone to see the dead bodies it was too messy.

*****

Next up is Sweta. She used to be at The Disappearing Caravan but she's now at The Red Door. Her blog is still as awesome.

Well, actually, she can't join the party right now so I thought, I will just use the Missing Person flyer I made for her because she kinda disappeared from the blogosphere for MONTHS!!!

Her mud mask/martini picture:

I know you like it.

UPDATE: Sweta's now here!!! Yay!

*****

Now this is Jan. She's at Between Me and My Thoughts. I like her blog too. She's random and personal and honest. And stuff. And 2011's kinda being nice to her. (Not fair, 2011. How come you're not as nice to me? Fuck you. I hate you.)

Anyway. Here she is:

*****

Next is Jayme at The Random Blogette. Very witty. And she hates doing the laundry.

When I asked for the pictures, she said, "I'm sending you 3 because I'm badass like that."

Well, yes you are bitch!

Don't you just love her pictures??

*****

I'm so excited for you to meet this next girl. She's Hailey or Friendly Llama from The Sun Shines Out Of Our Behinds. She's a new blogger. And she's really witty, real, and sweet.

She's only 16 (and NOT pregnant!!) so I told her she CANNOT drink alcohol. Yet. So she had a Grapetizer. I *love* her. She's my mini-me. I think.

According to her, she found my blog by Googling "I wish I was 18 so that I could get drunk on my birthday." Don't tell her mom.  I'm such a positive influence to young people. Ha! GO TO HER BLOG NOW!!

*****

Next one is Christina from Christina In Wonderland. Her blog is also random and funny but she can talk about stuff that makes sense too. I mean, my blog doesn't make sense. Most of the time.

Got too drunk. I had nothing to do with this, mom!

*****

This is Emily at emily-jane.net. She's really honest and sweet and awesome and passionate and very pretty. And her blog is very relatable and inspiring.

*****

And now, my favorite bitch CB!! She used to be at One Crazy Brunette Chick but she's now at Cigarettes & Stilettos. I'm telling you, she's gonna be your favorite bitch too!

Okay. She brought coffee but it has Irish cream in it. Told you, any kind of alcohol will do.

*****

BUT WAIT!!

WE HAVE TWO PARTY CRASHERS!! WHAT THE FUCK?!

And they came in mud masks too!!

Toshio from The Grudge.

I forgot where I got this picture. Sorry website owner.

And Gollum from The Lord Of The Rings.

Source

They just stole your attention, didn't they?

I CANNOT let that happen! I. Just. Can't!

So I decided to do something to outdo these two!

Me as Toshio

Me again. As Toshio. Again.

And I can beat Gollum too!

"Myyyyy prehh-ciouuusssss..." See?

Oops!! Caught drinking!!

Those fuckers can't just steal our badass party like that!

Anyway, this has been fun! And BOYS, we definitely are ballsier than any of you!! Boo!!!!

Thanks to everyone who joined the party!

If any of you still wants to join, send me your pictures and I will update this post. Just like the last time.

Any suggestions for our next blogger social?

FRIENDS FOREVER, MOFOS!!

No. Really. Thank you for coming!!

This. This is why I REFUSE to learn how to drive.

No. I haven't killed did not kill anyone. Not yet.

This is the part where you will place your hand on your chest and let out a sigh of relief.

Thank you.

So a few friends have been asking me over and over again if I can drive (the answer is NO) and why I don't want to learn. Well, actually, it's a very stupid question when it's coming from a long-time friend BECAUSE it's a very known fact that *I* don't have a car and they SHOULD know that by now.

So what's the point in learning? Right?

But I have other reasons: (A) I'm not good at remembering places, and (B) I am VERY clumsy. I have the ability to run over people or bump into stuff even when I'm just walking.

No. Seriously.

I even hurt myself when I do that.

So there.

Want some photo evidence of my recent clumsiness?

Of course you do!

And I'll show it to you even if you don't want to see it.

And I won't hear you say, "No I don't!" anyway. So I'm showing it.

These photos may be disturbing to some amazingly sensitive people.

So take a deep breath and try not to be too sensitive. 

If you can't handle this kind of stuff, just continue reading and

it will be over soon.

*wink*

You're getting pictures in 3 different camera settings. Even grayscale. Because I'm generous like that.

 

What really happened:

I bumped my leg to a tissue dispenser in our office bathroom when I raised my foot to flush my pee.

TMI, I know. But that's what happened.

And yes, I'm THAT clumsy.

I'm guessing I've pretty much convinced everyone that I should never ever try to drive?

You're welcome.

P.S. Our blogger party will be posted in a few days. Still waiting for 3 people to send their pictures. They promised. *ahem*

The Biggest Fuck You of 2010. At least for me. But you know what I mean.

I've only been gone for like, what, 2 weeks? And I forgot how to start a paragraph.

That sucks.

But!

Did you miss me? I missed you! No. I swear!

As I promised, I'm gonna tell you the cake thief's side of the story. On HOW THE CAKE ENDED UP INSIDE HER MOTHER-IN-LAW'S STOMACH.

Yes. You heard it right. She gave the cake to her mother-in-law. As a gift. Because that's what good daughters-in-law do.

So.

This post is super long by the way. But please read. Thank you. I love you. Hahaha.

Well, this doesn't look like a Sansrival to me either but I'm too lazy to redraw.

Our company has an online grocery/bakeshop etc., where employees can log in and order stuff and the items will be delivered to our office and the amount will just be deducted from our salary. Which, I must say, is quite convenient.

So last month, I ordered a butter Sansrival for my cousin's 10th birthday. The thing is, since I was working night shifts (yes, was. I work AMs now), and there's no delivery scheduled at dawn, I had to have it delivered Friday, at 12 noon. My plan was for my friends at work to text me when the cake arrives and I will just have my brother pick it up there.

I waited the whole day for their text but they said my cake did not arrive. I WAS FURIOUS.

At 5pm, one of my coworkers texted me that my cake has not arrived and she was about to go home. She said only one cake was delivered and it was for [insert name of the cake thief here].

I was so mad. I was expecting my cake and it did not arrive! So I sent 3 angry emails to the bakeshop. I got no response.

According to that friend, she saw, (okay, let's name the thief Cakey), carrying a box of cake.

Cakey's explanation to her: "I'm glad this cake arrived today. This is scheduled for tomorrow. But I don't won't be here tomorrow."

Then, she continued her story. "I ordered butter Sansrival because I don't like the toffee flavor. I'm gonna give this to my mother-in-law as a gift."

When my friend was texting me their conversation, I thought why would the bakeshop deliver someone else's cake, which was scheduled to be delivered the next day? And why didn't they just deliver both mine and hers at the same time since we ordered THE SAME ITEM.

As I said, I got angry. I sent 3 E-mails to the bakeshop. I had one of my coworkers talk to them on the phone and I, too, called them. At 1 AM.

Then the revelation: The person who answered the phone said, "There was no delivery for Cakey today. She did not order anything."

Splendid. Fuck.

So the next day (mind you guys, I was sick during this time. This caused me too much trouble), I went to the bakeshop's office to confirm stuff. They showed me the duplicate of the delivery receipt. With MY NAME on it. So yes, the cake Cakey took home was MINE.

I decided to reported the incident to my manager. I could not confront Cakey about this because this is theft. I had to do what was right. I had to have my manager call the bakeshop so they can decide what had to be done. Also, Cakey and I? NOT FRIENDS. We don't even talk to each other. We don't even see each other because of our work schedule. And she's, let's say, crazy. Crazy as in making things up, telling stories about how rich she is, how her boyfriend's too scared to lose her, and all that bullshit.

So when Cakey found out that *I* found her out, she texted me.

Good AM, Gnetch. I was told that I *accidentally* took your cake? I don't understand because my name was on the receipt and I know I placed an order. Now, I checked [insert website of the bakeshop here], my order was deleted. I'm really confused I can't get the receipt anymore because I removed it from the box and threw it away. And I didn't bother to check the name because I know it was mine. I'll call [bakeshop website] later. But I doubt they will admit their mistake. I'm just annoyed because my name was on the receipt and I know I ordered a cake. You should have just told me. Would you like me to pay you? -- Cakey

First, she said it was her name that was on the receipt. Then second, she did not bother to check the receipt because she was expecting the cake that day. And then she repeated that it was her name on the receipt.

Also? You remember she said to my coworker who saw her that she was expecting her cake to arrive Saturday? SO HOW WOULD SHE EXPECT HER CAKE TO BE DELIVERED ON FRIDAY?

Can you see how stupid she is? She can't even get her story straight.

She texted me a lot of times to try to clear her name, saying how confused she is about the mistake, and putting the blame on the bakeshop. The bitch even told me that she didn't know if she should apologize to me or not because she did not do anything wrong.

I told her I have the duplicate of the receipt. With MY name on it.

Her excuse: "They can make a fake duplicate. You know how they are. They always make mistakes." Then went on texting me her horror stories about the bakeshop. Well, basically just to make it look like it was the bakeshop's mistake. And that the bakeshop sabotaged her to make her look like a thief.

And her excuse on how her order history was deleted? "They know our passwords." Very convenient.

Now, why would the bakeshop delete her order history? Why would they do that to her? She's not that important. No. Really. She's not.

She event updated her status on Facebook on how pissed off she with the bakeshop.

TRANSLATION: (1) is pistoff with [name of bakeshop]! hello???! I made the mistake? Are you sure???? (2) is pistoff with our bakeshop! hello????! I made the mistake? how many times have you messed up??!!

Well honey, there's no such word as pistoff. You're welcome.

So anyway, she went on and on and on for days about how the bakeshop messed up. And then the story turned into me TRYING to make her look like a thief.

And now she's the victim. I'm the bad guy. I know. Fucking awesome. She even texted me, giving me advise [sic] (believe me, that was how she spelled it) that the next time this happens, I should confront the person.

Well, no. Just. Fucking. No.

So she said she'll just pay me but I HAVE TO GO TO HER CUBICLE to get the money. I said no. Why would I go to her? She's the one who caused me trouble, she should come to me!

She said I WAS MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING and that I WAS BEING IMMATURE.

REALLY BITCH?

Well, I won. She came to me to pay for the cake she stole.

And you thought she's done now, did you? NO! Oh, no.

A few days later, she posted this on Facebook (AGAIN):

"Super tired last night.. xmas party @___ and [name of the restaurant] (was not able to eat because my stub was missing. who would take it? they have serial numbers) and ruins ___ until 10pm..."

The missing "stub" she was talking about was a gift certificate (to a restaurant) given by our CEO to us employees.

When she reported the missing GC (or stub, as she called it) to our manager, she said she did not get hers. That she heard it was distributed to the night shift employees. She was requesting the night shifts to be investigated.

Now, again... Why would she go to the restaurant if she hasn't received her GC?

Again, my dear. Get your story straight. If you weren't able to receive the GC, your GC, why would you go to that restaurant?

So as I said, she wanted the night shift employees investigated. Now, I think this was why she was insisting that I go to her cubicle to get her payment. SO SHE CAN CLAIM THAT I TOOK IT. Well, I'm glad I did not go to her. My pride saved me from being framed.

Oh God. She's so stupid. So I sort of edited her wanted poster.

Stupidity is a crime, bitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a totally different note, may I remind everyone that we are gonna be having our Martini-Mud Mask party next week. Those who wants to attend, you may send me your pictures. Now!! ;)

I've sent the invitation on Facebook and emailed the others. If you're new to this blog, the online party looks like THIS but now, we have to be in facial masks and drinking a martini. But it doesn't really have to be a martini. We're not so strict here. EVERYONE'S INVITED!!

I'd like to thank my co-organizers, Sweta, Tyla (who designed the invitation) and Ria for this idea.