Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Perfect Christmas Gift For THAT FRIEND You Secretly Hate

This is the season for gift giving. More often than not, thinking of a gift for every family member and friend is a difficult task.

But it is certainly more difficult to think of a gift for THAT FRIEND.

Yes. That friend you secretly hate. That friend who will conceivably expect a gift even if they know you don't like them that much.

I have a few suggestions. Of course, fuckers! When did I ever fail you? I have the solution to everything. What??

Let's begin!

1. For that friend who always tries to please everyone, who alters their personality based on what they think a certain person would like, tries to get everyone's approval- but they always claim that they're being true to themselves.

Gift suggestion: A full-face white mask. And sleeping pills.

So the mask is too obvious. Like- "Yeah, yeah, a mask for their different personalities... blah-blah-blah.." Bite. Me.

Wait. But the pills? You're not gonna include it in the gift box where they could see it right away. It should be a surprise. When you can't bear the pretensions anymore, just slip a few pills into their drink and when they're asleep, you will not be annoyed anymore. And at least they got to rest. Pretending all the time must be tiring. It's for a good cause.

2. For that friend who doesn't care how long you've been waiting for them because they had to change their outfit 10 times more than a normal person should is always late because of "traffic". (I know. I have issues with this friend. Shut. Up.)

Gift suggestion: Ball and chain.

Did you expect I would suggest you give them a watch? That is SO gradeschool! People who are always late do not look at the time! They don't care. Don't waste your money on gifts that they won't even use! The ball and chain would be perfect. You just attach it to their ankle and throw away the key. That way, they will never use the "traffic" excuse again and you will no longer feel like an idiot all the time. They are late because it's so hard to walk. Perfect!

3. For that friend who thinks they know everything and that their opinions are the only ones that should be heard and no one could ever argue because all of you are wrong and they are right.

Gift Suggestion: Pen and paper.

They should write a rule book. I mean, with a brain like that?

4. For that friend person (because who would have a friend like this) who takes things that don't belong to them (aka The Thief).
So you ordered and paid for something and had it delivered to your work place and someone cold-bloodedly took it. While you're waiting for it. I know, sneaky. And shameless.

Gift Suggestion: A "movie poster" with them on it.

Have it framed. It should look expensive, unique, and personalized. No, it's not a mugshot. And it's not a Wanted poster either. Tell them you made it look like a movie poster. They should feel like a celebrity with this kind of glamorous portrait.

Yes, that last one just happened to me. Oh! She can have my cake and eat it too. No. Literally. She stole my cake. She can eat it.

And yes. It's the last suggestion for today. Who stops at #4? Me! I'm weird like that.

Do you have other friends that you secretly hate?


The martini and mudmask option won the poll. Tyla is currently working on the invitation. You can send me your pictures via Email, Twitter, or Facebook. We have 3 weeks to prepare. Let's consider this our New Year's Party.


  1. 1. I am so in for the martinis and mud masks :)

    2. This was BRILLIANT. I bought a gift like this recently for somebody I really can't stand, but is part of the family now so I have to get something. *Cough* Mother in Law *Cough*. I got her a copy of Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth" and did everything I could to restrain myself from putting a bookmark in the chapter on "learning to let go" :)

  2. #3 made me literally laugh out loud.

  3. #3 for me Gnetchy Gnetch... i need to gift that to so many people.

  4. I know I hate having to buy shit for people that get on my nerves. I tend to avoid people like that but I iwll consider gifts with hidden messages as this post recommends. P.S did you get the "prize?"

  5. and for snotty people ...send them boogers !

    Good job on the pics :-)

  6. I usually abandon those I hate, so all that are left, are good ones :P Thank goooooodness for the good ones, right, Gnetchinator? :)

  7. You need to add the friend that thinks she's the most beautiful person on the planet and thinks she's a model because she's tall..she also believes that she's a nice person because she justifies her psychoness...give her a mirror? The kind that shows how everyone else sees her. LOL

  8. @Em - 1. Don't forget to send a pic. ;)
    2. Haha! Gifts with hidden messages are always worth the money.

    @Ashton - I'm glad. Thanks.

    @Ratz - Hehe. I know, right? I have to give it to a lot of people too.

    @Israel - Yes! At least your gift would still be considered as "sincere". Did you get my email?

    @Maxy - Thanks! Boogers? But they have it too. :p

    @Nino - Oh, you don't have friends you secretly hate?

    @Lovelifelies - Hey, I love that name!! Anyway, you just described my former best friend. OMG! That's so cool!

  9. Not really. They're not considered friends, but just some peeps I happen to hate :P

  10. LOL. Great gift ideas. I know exactly who to give the pen and paper to. :-D

  11. brilliant gnetch. i'm glad i don't have friends who are like that.

  12. Love it. Love them all especially the wanted poster. I would love for you to one day post one of these masterpieces on my site. One day?

  13. Ha. I loved all of these, except the part about the cake stealer. And I saw the picture. All I can say is *oink oink*. Little piggy, little piggy... The nerve of some people!

    Also, I think I'm a no-go on the martini and mudmasks. Mostly because I don't drink martinis or use mudmasks. But I might just improvise. I've got three weeks. We'll see! :P

  14. Amen to the ball & chain!

    But what about those friends that just can't seem to do anything without their boyfriends?? Uggh!!

  15. Haha what great ideas for gifts. Sometimes I hate this holiday season because as selfish as it sounds.. there are some people I do not want to buy gifts for but I am obligated to because they are buying me a gift. I do not like these people.. I do not have money to buy them a gift.. Why cant we just agree not to pretend like we care about each other and not buy each other a gift so I can save my 20 dollars to buy a ball and chain for my friends who are always late because of “traffic” haha

  16. omg.... now all we need is one store that sells all this crap and we are set!!!!

    Girl you rock!!!!

  17. Funny! :D I might get a ball-and-chain though, because I'm almost always late! I don't use traffic as an excuse; I'm more creative than that. (I know, I know, I shouldn't brag about my eternal tardiness. I've gotten into trouble more than once because of it!)

    Btw, that co-worker of yours stealing your cake is waaay fucked up! Not cool!

  18. I like the last one! Mugshot for gift is just priceless!