Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Super Obvious Signs That Your Baby Is Tomorrow's Most Violent Person

Your baby may be cute, adorable, sweet, and cuddly.

But that's just on the outside.

You don't really know what they are thinking because they can't talk.

Actually, they do talk. You just don't understand it. They even cuss sometimes.

Da-da? That means asshole. So if you're a dad and your baby called you Da-da, don't post it on Facebook like a proud dad. Your bundle of joy hates you.

Sorry. I'm just saying.

Also? That cute baby mumbles that he makes that sound like "mum" means bitch.

You're welcome.

Anyway, here are other signs.

1. They look at you with their bright puppy dog eyes.
If they look at you like this, they need something from you. This is their way to get affection. With just one look? THEY. OWN. YOU. 

2. They drool when they see you.
This is likely a sign of cannibalism. They want to eat you. They crave your flesh. Or maybe your blood. You may have watched Twilight many times while you were pregnant. So stop watching Twilight. I mean it.

3. They do the taste test. On you.
You may think that it's normal for babies to bite when they are teething. Who told you that?? That's super wrong! They want to taste you. And eat you when their teeth are stronger.

I still blame Twilight.

4. They hit you with HARD with their toys.
This. This is one of the strongest signs of violent tendencies. If they hit you. At such a young age. With the toy that YOU bought for them to make them happy. And don't expect those tiny arms to be weak because they are not. When they hit you, it would be painful. You know it in your heart.

5. They pee on you during diaper change.
The moment you think is the most intimate between you and your baby: Diaper change.

It's hard enough to change a diaper because babies tend to move a lot. But, do you think it's an accident that they pee so high that it goes straight to your mouth? Then how come they pee right when their diaper is removed? See?

Want another sign? If they kick you after peeing on you.

So. Just a friendly advice? Don't let cute babies fool you. The cuter they are, the more violent they could be in the future.

Again, you're welcome.

P.S. I don't really hate babies. No.

Also? This blog now has a Facebook page!!! Yay!


  1. Bwahahahahaha!

    Snort snort

    Snort snort


  2. OHMYGOD MY NEPHEW'S A MANEATING CANNIBALBABY!! I need a twelve-step plan, stat.

  3. I so agree with u! i do blv dat babies try to kill d adults around dem, n its d natural law 'survival of d fittest'
    My nephew once tried to strangle me wid d very necklace dat i was wearing! *pants in fear* dey laughed at me wen i told dem about his murderous tendencies! we'll see who be laughing at the end

  4. The only reason that babies don't kill their parents is because they're too busy defending themselves from the cat who is trying to kill THEM! If the baby and the cat ever team up we're all doomed.

  5. You're such a clever genius. I never thought cute babies could be cannibals. Dada and Mum would really be fondly remembered from now on. Hahaha!

  6. I like that mom, aka the chew toy, was all bandaged up. My niece who I took care of for 5 months never peed at me but she did pee ON me. Still pretty bad.


  7. That's kind of scary, because my baby cousin who I am obsessed with does like all that stuff. Except for the pee. But he makes up for the peeing with the tasting...sometimes, I'm afraid to carry him, because I know that at the first opportunity, he's going to sink his teeth into some soft, fleshy part of my body. :(
    But he's so cute and chubby.

  8. This was so wrong but oh so funny.

  9. Hahaha.. the last one is epic. I think it's from a movie. You rock, Gnetchy! :P

  10. Did I just say I wanted a baby? Thank you sooooooooooo much for reminding why I me and babies shouldnt even be in the same sentence...

    but again, that seems to be inevitable. They are hypnotic and sentences hate me.

  11. Gnetchy, you just support what I said all along: babies are evil lumps of lard. Then around 2 yo something happens and they start developing into humans. Key word: START! I stay clear of anyone under 15

  12. I just laughed out loud at this post. I'll have to share it with my sis in law who is expecting her 2nd. I think she'll get a kick out of it. :D

    Following you now!

  13. lmao! this is hilarious. oh boy..i guess all the babies i know are gonna grow to be violent offenders :p
    it's true bout the puppy dog eyes ish..they know we cant resist them when they get all cute!

  14. LOL, I read this while babysitting for the first time in my life, after just having put the kid dowm thinking she was totally adorable, I read this more as a checklist of Things That Happened To Me In The Last Half Hour. Minus the pee in the mouth, thankfully.

    They're smart little things... :)

  15. Babies are evil.
    Maybe not all of them.
    But they're evil.
    Grabbing your hair and not letting go?
    Crying if they don't get something they want?
    Flexible as hell?
    Dude they're ninjas.
    Evil ninjas.

  16. @Ratz: What were you snorting??? :p

    @Nicki: Oh yes. You totally do!!!

    @Nabo: Well you know, I'm planning to put up a rehab for babies with murderous tendencies.

    @Jay: You know, babies and cats know how to read. So if they ever see what you just wrote, they're so gonna team up. And then we're doomed and it's all your fault. :p

    @Sey: Yes. Definitely.

    @Lor: Haha. It's part of their plan.

    @ChaosButterfly: It's like they're trying to lure you into carrying them to get an opportunity to eat you. Yes. That's it.

    @Ashton: Hehe. Thank you.

    @Nino: Hahaha. Thanks, dude!!!

    @TMFG: Well, you're just gonna have to be super alert. Look for the signs. You've been warned. :p

    @Carina: Haha. I know, right? We need some survival kit when we're around them.

    @Remy: Thanks Remy. I hope I don't scare your SIL. :)

    @Kitkat: Yes. Those eyes are just adorable that you can't say no to them and then bam!! As I said, they own you.

    @Richard: Yes Richard. Yes.

    @Em: Hehe. Wait till they're a little bit braver. :p

    @Ria: Yes. Evil baby ninjas and they are so capable of physical abuse.

  17. You left out if they try to scratch your eyes out while you take them to church.

  18. I'm pretty sure that dada does mean asshole. Spot on.

  19. What about when they shit all over you and then cry like you are murdering them in the bathroom at a restaurant?

    My niece did that to me a few months ago. We are cool now but it took me a while to even get a freaking smile from her. I was pissed.

  20. o-kay then.. time to quarantine my little brother...:-)

  21. damn! i'm super late for this... :) i must agree that your theories seem correct. some babies are angels in disguise.hehe..

  22. Too funny. I think you are on to something. You may prevent the next serial killer.

  23. OH MY GAHD. This just confirmed that my nephew would be a violent person in the near future. HAHA. :)

    Cool post btw!

  24. @Photo Clasher: Hehe. I totally forgot about that.

    @Heckle: You know it. :p

    @Jayme: It's their way of making you look like you're the bad guy in the situation.

    @Paris: Yes. Yes...

    @Jan: I know, right??

    @Israel: I hope so, Iz. I so hope so... :p

    @Umi: Thank you. Yes. You can prevent it from happening now that you know the signs. :)

  25. These are fantastic reasons to just... not... ever... have babies.