Another Great Idea: The MutantBerry!!!

As you know, I am currently in search for an awesome cell phone that is not a touch screen (because I fucking hate those things), does not have a Qwerty keypad (because I use Dvorak and also Qwerty keypad takes some getting used to and I'm too lazy for that), but is still current and would make me look cool.

But apparently, all the new phones available are either a touch screen or a Qwerty. Which sucks for me.

And because of that, I thought, I'll make another commercial. You remember the one I made about the Bloggenator? Well, now you do.

So anyway, here it is.

FEATURING:

The MutantBerry!!!

The commercial model:

Voice Over (In a morning-talk-show-host-with-fake-enthusiasm kind of voice):   Worry no more!!! Now there's an awesome phone just for you!

INTRODUCING: The MutantBerry!!!

It is multiple awesomeness in one cell phone!!! It has ALL the features of a cool cell phone including MP3, Wi-Fi, and GPS, but it also has changeable keypad setting, DVD player, free Ricky Martin ring tones, celebrity sex scandals, and MANY MORE!!!

You can also use it as a lighter!!! HELL YEAH, smokers out there!!!

 

It also has more awesome hi-tech stuff that no other cell phone can offer such as:

But wait!!! There's more!!!

Are people around you being a bitch?

Do they bother you so much you want to strangle them and hang them in the ceiling?

Do you want to run them over but you don't have a car???

Worry no more!!

The MutantBerry also has a

SAMURAI FEATURE!!!

BUY NOW!!!

CALL 1-800-MUTANTBERRY and be the coolest asshole ever!!!

Call within the first 5 minutes and you will get an awesome nail polish remover!!!

Not related but still, IT'S FREE!!!

CALL NOW!!!

Annoying Things People Do On Facebook And How To Stop Them

I can't tell you how much it bothers me when people keep sending me neighbor requests on FarmVille or whatever the fuck they call it.

Well, actually, it doesn't bother me that much. I'm just trying to exaggerate stuff for your entertainment. I told you, I love you like that!

But, but, but!!!

There was this incident that really sort of annoyed me. This has happened months ago. I just thought I had to tell you because this is pretty... well, uhm... entertaining....?

So I got a friend request from this person so I accepted it. Then she wrote this on my wall: 

"Hi Gnetch. Thanks for the friend request," (or something like that.)

That was a total "wait-what?" situation! You added me and then you thanked me for adding you?

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

At that moment, I really wished there was a "Hello?" button on Facebook but NOOOO! There was only the "Like" button.

I don't know how I suddenly remembered this incident. But of course, this led me to...

Wait for it!!!

ANOTHER GREAT IDEA!!!

IdeaS, actually.

I know, right????

But let me just add one more annoying thing that people do on Facebook.

POKING!!

Seriously, what is that for? Can anyone tell me?! I simply don't understand its purpose. Why don't you just write on people's walls? It's not that hard. My wall is like a freedom wall. You can write me anything, no one would mind. If you don't have anything to say, you can just write a smiley face. I will take it as you are smiling at me or maybe you're just saying "hi" in a creepy way. But still, I would know what you wanted to say.

But poking? Especially from people who don't even add you? Ew.

So anyway, here are a couple of the ideas that will surely make Facebook awesome again.

The Strangle Button

and

The Stab Button.

I'm thinking about E-mailing Mark Zuckerberg about this but I don't want him to think we're super friends already.

(Peace, Mark Zuckerberg. I'm a very nice person. According to my mommy.)

Basically, I'd like the buttons on Facebook to look like this:

Awesome, right?

In a very related note, this is my most recent Facebook "Poker."

I'm sure you understand my pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, in a not so related, but still quite awesome note: WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG? SEND ME YOUR PICTURES ALREADY!

I only have 5 so far.

Invitation Designed by Tyla Kells

Sometimes, I fuck life up and life kinda gets back at me. Oh, and I have a surprise!!

I just realized, sometimes, I suck. For instance, last night, while I was seriously focused on my job as I've always been (hi, bosses at work!), I had a few awesome blog ideas that made me go, "YES! I'll have a blog post for tomorrow." And then by the time I got home the next day, I was like, "Wait. What was I going to blog about?"

Okay, I don't really say, "YES!" like that but I think it makes the sentence more-- Well, I don't really know why I had to write it like that.

Anyway, here's another example. This is pretty deep. Like you totally won't believe I'd be this deep because as you may all know, I'm not the kind of person who takes everything seriously unless necessary but that's me so it's not gonna change.

Well? Are you ready to hear it?

 

I ruined my nail polish!

See? That's a TOTAL disaster! I just had my nails done last Sunday and come Tuesday, on my commute to work, I noticed the polish on my index finger was gone!!! Completely gone. It was embarrassing! How come I didn't notice it while I was STILL at home??!!

That's an indication that I'm getting old vintage. I prefer vintage.

Still not convinced? Here's another one: About a month ago, my cell phone stopped working. It totally refused to turn on despite my desperate pleadings, blackmails, and death threats. What I did was I had it repaired. It got slightly fixed. The bad news is, according to the technician, the camera will no longer work. So remember when I said I cut my bangs and had to borrow my sister's camera? That was the reason.

So I ended up buying a digital camera instead. Using the money I have been saving for a laptop. (Dear life, Seriously???)

Since I suck at everything these past few weeks, the digital camera I just bought is not working like it supposedly should so I have to return it within 7 days to have it replaced. I have work! And that, my friends, is just super wrong. As wrong as when Rachel Zoe uses the word "literally."

Wanna hear another one? Yes, there IS another one!

But this one is not really like I fuck life up. This is more like life really fucks up with me. Like totally!!

The Dev got transferred to night shift. MY SHIFT!!!

So if you don't know The Dev because you're pretty new to my blog, I understand. That's why I linked it. But if you have been reading my shit for a long time and still don't know who The Dev is, then I guess you deserve to be strangled in your sleep.

I'm kidding.

Anyway. To make this a little fair (because I'm a good person) it is more quiet in the office these past few nights. The Dev and Mutant Supervisor don't get along so they don't talk. And since Mutant avoids getting The Dev's attention, she hasn't been as hyper and toxic as she normally is. So I guess it's good?

But frankly? Ew. No. No, no, no!!!

So all in all, for the past few days, I've been like this:

Look! I'm drawing again!

Possible captions:

• I so suck because I forgot to wear shoes and just wore mismatched socks instead.

• I so suck because I can't get my hands to reach each other.

• I so suck because I don't have fingers.

• I so suck because I don't know if that gray thing behind me is a ghost or smog.

• I so suck that I forgot to put nose on my face.

Whatever.

Anyway, about the surprise, look at this:

TYLA, SWETA, and I organized an Online Mandatory Ice Cream and Vodka Party!!! And all of you are invited. No. ALL OF YOU ARE ORDERED TO JOIN. All you have to do is send me pictures of you drinking vodka and/or eating ice cream. You can send it to any of us via e-mail or Facebook private message. All your pictures will be posted next week, August 28, 2010, and it's gonna be a super awesome party! So you have 1 week. Be fucking creative or we will kill you. Read the invitation. The details are pretty much there.

So there you go.

 

Well, I might have to start swearing less on Twitter because...

I don't really say "fuck" all that much on Twitter, though I do say it from time to time. But I think I have to stop. Wanna know why?

Here are the reasons:

1. It's not too proper because I'm princessy and too girly. 
2. Some people are bothered so much by the word "fuck" that their ears bleed at the sound of it and it might cause them to die.
3. Because I found out that a 12-year-old, very adorable, talented boy is following me.

Ask me who. Don't be shy. It's okay.

Okay, ready? It's Greyson Chance.

See?

And it is a verified account.

When I got that E-mail from Twitter, I was like, "OMG, my dream son!"

Also? It's just awesome that he's following me, along with super famous people like Ellen DeGeneres, Lady Gaga, and some random Bieber fans.

Wait. That was disturbing in so many levels. Please delete that last one from your memory.

*Clears throat*

Anyway, going back to my topic, I think I should stop cussing on Twitter because of the valid reasons I listed above. I really don't want to be the bad influence on this little boy. I don't want him to grow up arrogant and cocky like-- you know... *cough Bieber cough*.

Isn't he a cute little monster? I mean, Greyson? He's so cute I want to adopt him and keep him in my pocket or something.

Which brings me to a theory.

I have a feeling that I AM his real mom. I know he's 12. So? I probably conceived him when I was like 15. I just forgot about it. It is easy to forget you got knocked up. I mean, 9 months of carrying something in your belly is not that hard to forget.

And look, we have this undeniable resemblance.

 photo credit

Ahem.

See? We have the same... uhm.. knees!! Look!

And I believe that fate wanted us to find each other on Twitter. 

But... If I had him when I was 15, then I probably conceived him through immaculate conception.

And if that is true, there's no need to worry about 2012, people!!!

Okay. I'll stop right there.

P.S.  Greyson, I'm just joking. Don't leave your mom. She's your real mom. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, hey guys, wanna see my mug shot when I murdered my hair? It's already here. But comment on this post first. Then you can comment AGAIN over there!!!

*UPDATED* I blame TV shows. Especially, Shear Genius!

So I had a week off for my grandmother's funeral and memorial service. But last Thursday, I was at home. My uncle suggested that I rest because Friday was going to be a busy day and Saturday will be the day grandmom will be buried.

So Thursday, I was at home. Bored.

I turned on the TV. Shear Genius was on.

I don't really watch that show but for some reason, that day, I watched it. It was a replay episode.

For those who don't know, Shear Genius is like Project Runway, only, instead of designing clothes, they cut people's hair.

And for those who don't know Project Runway, WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE? UNDER A ROCK???

Anyway.

You probably know where this is going.

Yup! I cut my hair.

Stupid decision.

I decided to give myself some bangs.

The thing is, I was only going to cut an inch or two. But I couldn't get it right.

So I cut and cut and cut and cut.

Until it became shorter and shorter and shorter. But not short enough that I could rock it.

I was bored, okay?!!! And I always cut my hair. I just couldn't get it right this time.

And the people on TV made it seem so simple!

So there.

Now, I want to die!

Well, not really. But I wanted to kill the scissors that cut my hair. I blame them.

And that damn TV show! It ruined my life! 

UPDATE: So, here's the picture I promised.

My mug shot is now in the news papers.

 

(Note: Hey stranger, you are in no way allowed to use this picture for your site!)

Oh! Anyway, guys, thank you for being wonderful and awesome and sweet. Your comments and E-mails regarding my last post made me want to hug you all but that's like impossible because that would mean I have to go to wherever the hell you are so I could hug you and I know I can't do that because that would be expensive.

Also, you might think I'm a crazy stalker, going to your house and hugging you just like that. So no. Just thank you and I love you all.

This is the part where I am all serious and personal and shit. I just lost someone.

My grandmom passed away last night. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Pretty much numb. All I know is that my relatives need me there.

Something caused me to wake up last night at around 12 a.m. then I saw a text message from my cousin, asking me to go to the hospital because my grandmom was no longer doing well. She sent it at 11 p.m.-- I was asleep. I texted back (which was an hour late) and asked which hospital grandmom was in. And I got no response. At that point, I somehow felt grandmom was gone. I just knew.

I had a hard time sleeping.

At 6a.m., I texted my aunt and asked again which hospital grandmom was in. Then I got the answer I was expecting. She's gone.

I wasn't shocked. She has been sick for as long as I can remember. I got up from bed and rushed to the shower then I woke my mom up and asked her to come with me.

I can only remember a few things about grandmom. That she cried every time we visit her. Which was only a few times. Since my dad passed away 20 years ago, we barely had time to visit my grandparents. We do visit them on holidays but that was it. Aside from the fact that I was busy with school then and now I am busy with work, it was hard to see her cry every time because we (my brother and I) reminded her so much of my father's death. We reminded her the fact that we were so young when he passed away. And HE was so young when he passed away. She loved us so much and for the past 20 years, she still felt sorry for us, growing up without Daddy.

So this morning, when my mom and I got to my grandparents' house, my aunt hugged me. She was crying. And my grandfather-- oh, how hard was it for me to see him cry. He is sick. He can barely walk. And I have NEVER seen him cry. He loved my grandmom so much. It is so hard to see that my grandfather is now not only physically weak, but emotionally as well. After I hugged him, I didn't know what else to do or say. I just stood there, looking at him. 

What touched my heart the most was that when their landlady arrived and told them not to worry about the month's rent. My aunt cried, thanking the nice woman. My dad's side of the family is not financially stable. And paying for my grandparents' medications for the past years, my grandmom's hospitalization this past week, and now for her funeral and burial, I can say that they are in their worst financial situation.

Having seen that brought me to the decision to shoulder the food for the funeral. I decided I should help. I am not well off. But that's all I can do. I know I don't have enough money to buy food enough for the whole week for all the visitors but I will do what I can. And I decided to visit my relatives everyday this week. I filed a leave from work.

I will be back to my regular posting soon. Don't leave. I will be back. This is still a humor blog but we all go through bad times. This is my bad time

Thanks for reading.