Monday, January 9, 2012

Because Exercising Is Too Mainstream

I don't exercise. At all. Even when I *think* I need to. Well I know the health benefits of working out and staying fit and all that, that it's good for the body, it's good for the heart, blah, blah, blah, but they don't motivate me enough to start working out.

For real.

Reasons? You know, laziness, procrastination, like, "Okay, I'll start working out tomorrow." But then I don't.

So yeah.

Well I tried going to the gym. But I gave up after about 5 or 6 sessions because I'm poor I was busy.

I also tried yoga. I did! I attended like 4 sessions but I paid for 6. Why I stopped, you ask?

BECAUSE EVEN AFTER THE THIRD SESSION, I WAS STILL UNABLE TO TOUCH MY TOES!!!!!


Which was kind of embarrassing. And frustrating.

It was a very dramatic moment.

Please don't tell anyone.

Here's sort of how it went.

First session:

ME: *Tries to cheat by slightly bending the knees to reach my toes.*
YOGA INSTRUCTOR: (In a soft voice) Noh, noh, noh. Noh bending. Knees. Straight. Noh bending.

Second session:

ME: *Tries to balance self on one foot.* *Loses balance.* *Giggles.*

YOGA INSTRUCTOR:  (Still in a soft voice. She was very calm and soft spoken and shit.) Concentret... Concentret... Noh laughing...

And then my most hated position ever:

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: Let us all seet down and reech ar toss. Slohhhly...

ME: *Still can't reach my toes* *Tries to cheat again by bending my knees.*

YOGA INSTRUC-

Well you know how it went.

So anyway those were my fitness horror stories. Do you have yours?

Wait. I almost forgot where this post was supposed to go.

This is actually a "How *Not* To Make It Obvious That You *Hate* Exercising So You Don't Get Dirty Looks From People Judging You That You're Just Humble-Bragging" post.

(Had to emphasize some words with asterisks. Because that's what cool people do. Yo.)

You didn't see that one coming, did you?

Oh, you did? Damn, I'm losing my touch!
But whatever. Let's begin.

1. Come in late for work Or school. Every. Fucking. Time. Or even if you're just meeting a friend. Always come in late.

I didn't say it would be an acceptable excuse but at least you made them think that you go to the gym. That's the whole point, right?

2. Date someone who obviously goes to the gym a lot.



"Go to the gym." Yes. This would be the safest statement because it's not exactly saying that you work out. Maybe you go to the gym because you like secretly staring at girls who work out, being creepy you're bored.

3. Get some muscles. Buy shirts with printed muscles on them and viola!!!!


So there you go. I helped you again. I don't know but sometimes, I feel like I'm too nice to you guys. Kind of enabling, don't you think? No?

Meh. You deserve this. I love you too much.

(The spaces keep getting messed up. Sorry about that.)

69 comments:

  1. Hahah I don't go to the gym either. Because I'm poor/lazy. The two are so intertwined, I honestly don't know which one is the leading force behind my lack of gymness. Oh oh oh - actually, I think it's because I hate other people. In general, and especially when I'm sweating.

    Anyway blogger keeps messing up my spaces too and it drives me NUTS!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate people too! Strangers, actually. And I hate taking instructions from gym instructors. I know it's their job but still... :p

      Delete
  2. Hahaha I love your illustrations :)
    I had a baby 9 weeks ago and I was supposed to be one of those "get fit fast" yummy mummies, but really I eat a lot of junk and find excuses not to go for long walks - FAIL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!! You could just pretend you're exercising and continue eating! Haha!

      Congrats on the new baby!!

      Delete
  3. Thanks for the excuses. I needed them. Perhaps I can just do what my husband does; join a gym and just don't go!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome! :p

      Haha! That's what most people do, actually. Going to the gym is not fun. At all.

      Delete
  4. Nice blog, hi friend, i found that there is one website offering free puzzle games. Just take one minute to sign up then you will receive one free puzzle game. Its URL is http://www.684899.com/en/CosmicCreature/project_1.htm Click the below button of the page to get in. I've done it and now i am enjoying it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice comment, hi friend, I don't like your puzzles.

      But I admire your consistency.

      Delete
  5. I don't need a gym , I was born sexy!

    ReplyDelete
  6. *Sigh* Women and their complaints...

    lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha! We don't complain. We just bitch about things a lot.

      Which is actually complaining. So yeah, okay. You're right. :p

      Delete
  7. I don't have motivation to keep to a workout routine. It was different in school because I was on a team and had to be at practice and stuff, but now it's all on me. And I'd much rather watch t.v. or do something with my fiance when I'm not at work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never even joined sports when I was in college. Haha! Oh, I don't know. There's probably something wrong with me!!

      Delete
  8. I used to go to the gym every single day. But, they raised the monthly membership fee by like 35% so I quit.

    Well, that and they stopped the 4:30 aerobics class so I couldn't sit there on the stationary bike watching all the housewives working hard to stay in shape anymore. ;-p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah. The 35% price increase isn't worth it if you can't watch housewives working out! Haha!

      Delete
  9. went to the gym for about 3 months. it was tiring, boring and i really had to drag my feet just to get there coz i'm also lazy...but my determination to loose a few pounds made me survive the 3 agonizing months. well, it paid off. lost 10lbs and then i stopped.

    and now i'm planning to go back coz i've been gaining a lot of weight over the holidays.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need the motivation (and the money)! Haha!!

      Delete
  10. Oh my hell I just HATE working out soo much. Breaks my heart, the idea of having to..

    I went for a hike the other day. Still not sure if I will ever be able to walk ever again. Horrible idea.

    You're so damn funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried walking from work to the bus station twice (which is a long walk). In high heels!! It was.... Well, tiring. I might not do that again. Haha!!

      Delete
  11. My current excuse for not working out lately? Maine is too frakking cold! *other people* Why not work out inside your house? *Me* My house is too frakking small!

    Those will work fine, until it starts getting warmer. Then I'll be screwed, haha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When it's not cold anymore, you can say, "It's too hot, I don't want to sweat too much."

      Haha!!

      Delete
  12. Hey, that buff girl in the fourth picture is lookin' pretty good ;) Nothing like a big, lumpy woman, haha.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I've never been to a gym and never wanted too. The best thing that I can do as an exercise is running but I'm kinda lazy nowadays.

    Number 2 made me laugh. If I'm a man, I wouldn't date a girl who's muscles were bigger than mine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't have the ability to run. I'm so ashamed but... :p

      Delete
  14. I've never been to a gym and never wanted too. The best thing that I can do as an exercise is running but I'm kinda lazy nowadays.

    Number 2 made me laugh. If I'm a man, I wouldn't date a girl who's muscles were bigger than mine.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Gym? pfffff, too mainstream... I'll just go for an hour walk on my highest high heels. Now, that's what I call exercise. And if I need different levels, I'll go for walks in the rain, to the mountain, etc.
    Problem solved.
    Ha.

    ps.beam me up Scotty! :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do that toooo!!! Or did! Twice! I mean, the walking in high heels! We do think alike, don't we?

      Delete
    2. Dude. Yes. Weeeeeeeee! :D

      Delete
  16. Hey there's nothing wrong with dating a muscle-girl.... she can open pickle jars for ya. As for yoga... I tried hot yoga once and thought I was gonna die.... I did loose weight though... probably from all the vomiting I did afterwards!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vomiting? Haha! Yes, that's probably it!

      Should I try that? :p

      Delete
  17. That just made me convince that i am *DEFINITELY* not the *ONLY* one who does *NOT* go to the gym! :] *Fist bump?*

    ReplyDelete
  18. Man! I love your blog! Keep writing(pretty please).

    ReplyDelete
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  20. I don't like gyms because they smell and strangers go there.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I've always been tempted to go to the gym and every year I tell myself that I'll sign up and go in dutifully but it just never happens. It's totally better to do a few sit-ups every few months and ignore how unhealthy I am for the rest of the time. Totally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so me!!! Every week, I think about signing up but it never happens.

      Delete
  22. HAHAHA Yeah I don't think I could ever do a yoga class. This last year was the first time I've ever joined a gym, and I like going at the arse crack of dawn before all the creepers arrive. But yoga... I don't even know if I could take it seriously and um, no, I can't touch my toes either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to know I'm not the only one who can't touch their toes!!!! Twinsies!!! :p

      Delete
  23. Replies
    1. @Baur: Thanks!!!

      @Nino: Haha! Hey!!!!!!!

      Delete
  24. I was suppose to go to the gym today. NOT! Sometimes when I'm there I can't believe I'm actually there. Like how did I get out of my comfy bed and into this cold water pool???? Of course as soon as I get home I take a nap, lol. Good luck working on working out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Thank you. I feel the need to eat a lot after working out.

      That was when I was working out.

      Delete
  25. hahhahahaahah I hate working out!!!! In the mirror at my home, I look so slim (or so I think) but in pictures I look so fat (because I am!) gosh! It's so pathetic!!
    I hate dieting! And am never successful in following one strictly!
    I loved this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh. Dieting is hard!! I used to follow a certain diet that my doctor recommended (because certain foods make me sick) but it's so hard to follow.

      Delete
  26. Hehehehe! Love it! Now let's go eat a whole barrel of doughnuts.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You should come to my yoga class. My teacher always encourages us to laugh and has the motto, "falling is optional" :-)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I think you've convinced me never to try yoga, even though everyone's into it, and I can probably get a discount for it on Groupon. :P

    ReplyDelete
  29. Very interesting... I really like it... Thank you so much...

    ReplyDelete
  30. So I'm FINALLY diving back in to the blogging world. Thought I'd catch up on friends' posts and decided to start with yours.

    Best. Choice. Ever.

    Oh, and to stay relevant...

    Yoga sucks. I don't know how people do it. Isn't it just like, Xtreme stretching? And it always makes me fart. Try a real workout, like running...which oddly enough, also makes me fart.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I love this post because it is very very interesting.Thanks you very much for shearing this article

    ReplyDelete
  32. lol @ date someone who gyms a lot. exercising is not an easy thing to do you know, tried it few times and it never worked so you can imagine. lol at you Yoga lessons.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I have started a new fitness routine. I am going to a "boot camp." I am not much of an excerciser, either, but this time I am going to be, damnit. Manfriend keeps doubting my abilities to stick with it, probably because I've told him how I am going to start excercising before, but then I quit. I don't like to be doubted. This is about more than just fitness, this is about proving someone wrong! (he may be using reverse psychology on me, but I am using it back by winning...or something.)

    ReplyDelete
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