Hey, you! Yes, you. Have you read this??? :-) UPDATED!!!

Uhm, yeah. I had to add that smiley.

I am a self-confessed Twitter addict. I love it. If it's a dude, I would marry it. But I know a lot of people find Twitter annoying and I *so* understand why. Hell, I can even list the possible reasons why it is annoying. Because I'm very generous. And understanding too!

So.

1. People Similar To You - Not only is this uninteresting, it can sometimes be, well, offensive-slash-insulting. I know you know how I feel.

2. The Fail Whale - I don't see a lot of it lately but it is annoying. And the innocent whale gets all the blame. It's Twitter's fault! The whale is just a scapegoat. Or a scapewhale. You know. Fail Whale-Scapewhale?

God, I'm so funny.

3. The motherfucking spammers - This is the most irritating, I think. When you tweet something like, "burger" you'll get followed and/or mentioned by a burger site. No. Really. When you tweet "porn", you'll get followed by a porn site. What's even more annoying is that I keep tweeting about Johnny Depp and he hasn't stalked me or even mentioned me. I'm hurt, you know. I. AM. HURT.

Update: An example of my Johnny Depp-related tweet. Very innocent.

4. The #FollowBack hashtag - I see this a lot. Trust me. This doesn't work. I mean, it does, but those who will follow you are RANDOM strangers who don't even care about your tweets. They just want to be followed back (which is the whole purpose of it, I know) because if you don't, they will unfollow the next day. No. Trust me. Try it.

I tweeted those (just for fun, I swear) and I got maybe about 20 new followers! They didn't even read the tweets. Well, they unfollowed the next day so...

5. Some people - Some. Not everyone. And I'm not really gonna say what people should and should not tweet. I'm not like that. SAY WHAT YOU WANT. It's what Twitter is all about. Plus, passive-aggressive tweets are only annoying when you think it's about you. Right? But those people, especially celebrities, who retweet the compliments they get, THAT. That's when I lose it. That's why I stopped following celebrities! The fuck is that for? Not that I'm judg-- well okay. I'm judging. Because you know, when you flood my timeline with retweets like these:

Don't bother finding this Twitter account because this doesn't exist.

People see it like this:

Okay. Maybe it's just me. But still.

I just can't...

I sort of revised this post.

An overly dramatic re-enactment of the time I almost poisoned myself. ACCIDENTALLY.

There must really be something about the Internet that is so addictive. I was never into computer stuff ever. Until I started blogging.

No, really. I'm not pulling your leg or anything.

So anyway, as most of you know, every weekend, I stay up late to sort of catch up on everyone.

And as most of you know, I am quite a multitasker.

One night, at around 3 AM, as I was practicing my expertise doing important Internet stuff, I was also applying toner to my face. You know all know how important skin care is, right? Everything I do is important. Even saying fuck every now and then is important.

This is how I roll, yo.

The night was cursed from the very beginning. I just knew it. There was weirdness in the air. There was a sense of impending misfortune.

 

I remember placing (or more like throwing) the used cotton ball on the table beside my bed after using it. I did not look because as I said, I was busy. I just put it on the table and continued my momentous Internet social activity.

Because it was humid, I got thirsty. I always keep a glass of water on the side of my bed because I am too lazy to get up that's what cool people do.

I reached for the glass of water but as the glass came near my lips, I thought it smelled like toner. It was dark and I was too busy to get up and turn on the light. I was like, "Meh. It's probably my face." Don't judge. I just put the stuff on my face so it was natural for me to think that my face would smell like toner.

So I gulped down the water. It tasted funny. Not funny-funny but you know, funny. I held the glass in front of my laptop to to see what was up. I found out I made an excellent shot when I threw the used cotton ball. It went straight into the glass of water. At that moment, I had mixed feelings. I was proud to find out I was an excellent shooter despite my undeniable disinterest in sports but I was also disappointed that I did not listen to what my brain was trying telling me. But that's because my brain is not really always reliable.

My throat was burning and I was salivating like a rabid dog. (Okay, not really but you know what I mean.)

I placed my laptop on the bed and made a dramatic crawl to the kitchen to get a fresh glass of water. This is the part where I started needing a hug. There was no water in the fridge because my brother failed to do his one and only task in life. To refill the bottles with water and put them in the fridge. He was probably busy too...? We don't know but he's not important.

I went outside to refill one of the bottles. The container was too big and heavy. I saw a bottle on the kitchen table with a few drops of water in it so I drank it instead. I walked back to my room, holding my neck. My throat felt dry. I swallowed all the saliva I can produce and I felt sorry for myself.

And then I moved on and went back to the Internet. I'm cool like that. But I sure told everyone what happened.

Nothing bad happened. I lived. Well I guess my throat and intestines are smoother now.

The lesson here is not to stop being careless. It's awesome. The real lesson here is that toners taste horrible. Fact.

Take it from me.

P.S. My Asians are cooking up another online party. I will update you all soon.