Please Don't Give Me A Dog On My Birthday

Because I know for sure that I won't be a good dog owner.

Not that I hate dogs. I don't. I find dogs cute. Other people's dogs. But not mine. Na-uh.

I really don't think I was born to be a dog owner. Guy friend made me realize it. Remember the Guy Friend I "ran over?" Yes. Him.

So we talked over the phone (because he lives waaaaaayyyy too far from me).

Our conversation SORT OF went like this:

Sort of because he said I made him sound like a douchebag-slash-loser on my PMS post.

So dude, I will TRY to make you sound AWESOME this time.

Okay.

Guy Friend: Your birthday is in 2 months! Dude, you're old!

Me: We're like the same age. If I'm old, then you're old too.

Guy Friend: (Note sarcasm) Too bad I can't be there in time for your birthday. I was gonna give you something. But you know. I have to work. My boss can't do it without me. You know I'm that smart.

Me: Right. You're smart. And we have FedEx. You didn't think of that?

Guy Friend: Do they deliver animals? I was gonna send you a puppy.

He wasn't serious guys, okay?

Me: It's worth a try. I'd name the dog after you.

Guy Friend: *Laughs* You're mean! Then I'd give you a girl puppy.

Me: I'd still name it after you.

Then a sudden AWESOME idea came to me.

Me: Wait. I'd name it Lisa!* Hahaha.

(*The hate texter/stalker/crazy girl who is obsessed over her foot boyfriend).

Guy Friend: You're really mean. That would be unfair.

Me: *Fakes guilt* Yeah. Unfair. To the dog.

Guy Friend: I've changed my mind. I'm just gonna give you a crocodile. If FedEx accepts that.

I TRIED to make you sound awesome, my friend. I really did. I just can't make miracles happen. I'm not David Blaine.

Anyway, after that conversation, you would have realized why I said I'm gonna be an awful dog owner.

Especially if I named it LISA.

Because let's face it. Lisa is weird. And SOME dogs do weird stuff. Stuff that I never bothered to understand.

They eat their own poop.

They refuse to take a bath.

They sniff and lick stuff.

Right?

To make it clear for you, here are my possible reactions to some possible scenarios:

The dog eats its poop. My reaction would be, "LIIIISSSSSSAAAAAAA!!!! You're eating your POOP again??? You're so disgusting!"

The dog refuses to take a bath. My reaction would be, "What? LISA, you smell horrible! Look at you! You look like a sad hooker dog! Go take a bath!"

The dog sniffs and licks somebody's foot. Now, you can all see where this is going, can't you?

"LISA??? What are you, crazy SMELLING and LICKING that foot? What's wrong with you?"

So now, would you all agree that I CANNOT be an awesome dog owner?

This dog's got class.
[got this picture here]

Is it just me or that picture is kinda disturbing?