Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Please Don't Give Me A Dog On My Birthday

Because I know for sure that I won't be a good dog owner.

Not that I hate dogs. I don't. I find dogs cute. Other people's dogs. But not mine. Na-uh.

I really don't think I was born to be a dog owner. Guy friend made me realize it. Remember the Guy Friend I "ran over?" Yes. Him.

So we talked over the phone (because he lives waaaaaayyyy too far from me).

Our conversation SORT OF went like this:

Sort of because he said I made him sound like a douchebag-slash-loser on my PMS post.

So dude, I will TRY to make you sound AWESOME this time.


Guy Friend: Your birthday is in 2 months! Dude, you're old!

Me: We're like the same age. If I'm old, then you're old too.

Guy Friend: (Note sarcasm) Too bad I can't be there in time for your birthday. I was gonna give you something. But you know. I have to work. My boss can't do it without me. You know I'm that smart.

Me: Right. You're smart. And we have FedEx. You didn't think of that?

Guy Friend: Do they deliver animals? I was gonna send you a puppy.

He wasn't serious guys, okay?

Me: It's worth a try. I'd name the dog after you.

Guy Friend: *Laughs* You're mean! Then I'd give you a girl puppy.

Me: I'd still name it after you.

Then a sudden AWESOME idea came to me.

Me: Wait. I'd name it Lisa!* Hahaha.

(*The hate texter/stalker/crazy girl who is obsessed over her foot boyfriend).

Guy Friend: You're really mean. That would be unfair.

Me: *Fakes guilt* Yeah. Unfair. To the dog.

Guy Friend: I've changed my mind. I'm just gonna give you a crocodile. If FedEx accepts that.

I TRIED to make you sound awesome, my friend. I really did. I just can't make miracles happen. I'm not David Blaine.

Anyway, after that conversation, you would have realized why I said I'm gonna be an awful dog owner.

Especially if I named it LISA.

Because let's face it. Lisa is weird. And SOME dogs do weird stuff. Stuff that I never bothered to understand.

They eat their own poop.

They refuse to take a bath.

They sniff and lick stuff.


To make it clear for you, here are my possible reactions to some possible scenarios:

The dog eats its poop. My reaction would be, "LIIIISSSSSSAAAAAAA!!!! You're eating your POOP again??? You're so disgusting!"

The dog refuses to take a bath. My reaction would be, "What? LISA, you smell horrible! Look at you! You look like a sad hooker dog! Go take a bath!"

The dog sniffs and licks somebody's foot. Now, you can all see where this is going, can't you?

"LISA??? What are you, crazy SMELLING and LICKING that foot? What's wrong with you?"

So now, would you all agree that I CANNOT be an awesome dog owner?

This dog's got class.
[got this picture here]

Is it just me or that picture is kinda disturbing?


  1. Oh gross city.

    My dog tried to eat poop for the first time today.

    Yeah, you don't want a dog because believe me, getting it out of his mouth was no bed of roses. And it certainly didn't involve a cutesy checkered tablecloth.

  2. It's alright dude...

    I fucking hate dogs.

    They jump and bark and slobber uncontrollably and hump my motherfucking leg...

    I could go on and on, I won't though.

    I hate the fuckers!

  3. I can't have pets. I don't like cleaning up after them. And I think a crocodile would be dangerous... it might ward off potential stalkers though.

  4. Ooh that picture is gross.

    I love dogs and always want a puppy. A chihuahua maybe, something small. That or Shihtzu. So cute. But i'm not sure about being a good pet owner as well, probably will hire someone to take care of it after i play with it. Bad sign?:p

    Anyhoo, naming your dog Lisa will be a pretty sick but reasonable pleasure somehow. Calling Lisa names like "smelly" or "bad" or "stupid" will always cheer up your day.

  5. This post made me laugh really hard. I think you forgot "LISA stop licking your own balls!" Of course you'd have to get a male dog to utter this statement, but you get the drift.

  6. My dogs love taking baths! Not in a bathtub, but with a hose outside. What kind of dog doesn't like running around in a hose?

  7. Ahh! I can't believe there are people out there who hate dogs! Me and my fiancee own three, and I don't think I could ever live without a dog now. One of them did used to eat his poop when he was little, though. Just buy doggy toothpaste. : )

  8. I jump and scream when a dog tries to 'paw' me! I wouldn't be a good dog owner either.

    Do they really eat their own poop? I have two dogs home but they are on a leash and I stay away from them. LOL

  9. I love dogs to the point of getting dogtarded around them and cooing as if they were a little infant...but I don't do that to babies.
    I've never had the poop-eating problem with mine, though a friend's Westie out in British Columbia once climbed inside a deal seal on the beach and was a lovely shade of pink for weeks. Yum!

  10. Dogs to me look cute, but i will never have one all over my bed or even my house, I will admire them from a far.

  11. I wouldn't be an awesome dog owner either.

    My mom was allergic to their fur and it seemed that all of us at home turned allergic too!

  12. Hehe, You never have any problems like these with a cat. Get a cat.

    Or a ferret! Or a weasel.

  13. That conversation is funny! I like dogs but i love cats more, but i think i will be a good dog owner but not now.

  14. They stink, they bark, etc. Had a beagle once...he humped everything, terribly disturbing to a car wresck...everyone slows down to watch, but no one really wants to see the outcome. LOL

  15. hi...i am here
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  16. Good thing you're not David Blaine. That guy is a creeper.

  17. Haha! Most dogs doesn't eat their own poop! I've only come across one daog that does that my entire life and I love dogs and make sure to come across a lot of them :) lol

    Lisa, I don't think that's a bad dog name. It's super trendy to give your dogs people names now. One of my friends named her dog Olga, in protest of the girls out there who name there dogs Chanel, Fendi and Gucci... lol

  18. Dogs are cute, sweet, and cuddly. But bring out the poop and I'm outta there in a flash. lols. hehehe

  19. This is why I would never give a dog a human name. Because the phrases would just be awkward. And hilarious.

  20. OH,and they hump their owners.You missed that >.<


    Mine does. =(