Thursday, August 28, 2014

How to Prevent Customers From Being Mean To You

Let's say you're working at a doughnut shop, where people can customize their orders. You have to be able to deal with dozens of customers who are hungry for those delicious doughnuts that you make.

Some customers are nice and friendly, but others are just very hard to deal with.

So here are some tips on how to prevent the feeling of being harassed by a rude customer.

First of all, you have to possess that friendly vibe.

Nope. Not quite. That's too innocent. Give them the I-am-friendly-but-I-will-take-no-shit look. But don't forget the friendliness. Keep that flashing smile plastered on your face!


Now, you're ready to take your first customer for the day.

Meet Maggie. Maggie seems nice, but looks can be deceiving. So remember to keep that menacing look on your face to let her know that you will take no shit from anyone.

Getting Maggie's orders make you realize that she is a pleasant person, just like what you initially thought. So make sure you cook her doughnuts perfectly design them beautifully.

Using the icing, draw something a girl like Maggie would like. Draw a penis on one doughnut and a heart on another. Since Maggie only wanted candy sprinkles on the second doughnut, you can't make anything out of it. But it's okay.
You run out of icing so your penis and heart drawings didn't come across as such. Fail. But don't lose hope. Maggie seems like an understanding customer. And you tried your best. That's what matters.

Maggie gives you a thumbs up! That means she likes her almost-penis and almost-heart designed doughnuts! Congratulations!

Now, you're ready for your second customer. Meet Alberto.

Alberto seems too excited to get his doughnut cravings satisfied.

Calm the fuck down, Alberto. God!
Even with a customer as excited as Alberto, don't forget to keep your menacing look. Customers like him could be very demanding because their sugar cravings are high.

Time to take Alberto's order. Remember. The look.

Alberto looks like he's worried about his life. That means you're doing great with your face. He's not going to be a difficult customer.

Time to cook Alberto's doughnuts.

While waiting for Alberto's doughnuts to cook, do something productive. Sweep the floor or something. Get noticed by your boss!

You momentarily forget about Alberto's doughnuts!!! One side is overcooked! It should not exceed the line in that meter... thingy!

So what should you do in this situation? Balance it! No, not balance as in overcook both sides! Flip the doughnuts but make sure the other side is undercooked! Take the them out of the oil before the other side gets completely cooked! Who knows? Alberto might like it crunchy on one side and chewy on the other side? Right?

Color indicator shows how evenly cooked the doughnuts are. But YOU did not cook them evenly on purpose.

To make it up to Alberto, make sure you are very artistic with his doughnut design.

On the last doughnut is an almost heart, not an almost penis. You and your dirty mind!
Present the doughnuts to Alberto. Remember not to lose your menacing look.

See? Not only did he look scared, he also gave you a tip. And a peace sign! In the customer service industry, you can never fuck up with this kind of face:

And only a few will try to mess up with you.

But just when you think your day is going pretty well, two rich kids come, busy with their iPhones, pretending to text someone.

First is James.

You're tired. It's been a long day. So, once again, you fuck up. You burnt James' doughnuts.

You make it up with the doughnut design. James seem unhappy, but because of your menacing look, he said nothing. And he gave you a tip!

But then there's spoiled brat, Rudy. You can tell that he's demanding. Better not fuck up on this one.

Take Rudy's orders. His smile may be annoying that you want to wipe it off his face with your fist but no. Try not to.


And wow! A closer? A CLOSER? What are you? The mayor's son or something?

But again, because he COULD BE someone important and you just don't know it, try your best to please this customer.

According to the color indicator, Rudy's doughnuts PERFECTLY cooked.

Flavors are correct. But your hand was shaking so you fucked up juuuuuuuuuuust a little bit on the candy sprinkles. But that's not a big deal, right. 

Now, time to give asshole Rudy his orders.

Uh. Wow. Rudy is not pleased. He didn't even give you a tip!

Don't let that bring you down. Remember: Your face will get you through the day.

Fuck you too, Rudy.

Monday, August 18, 2014

How to Know If She's SO Obsessed Over You


So, how do I do this blogging thing again? Is this thing working? Hello?

Anyway, the Ray of Fucking Sunshine is back!

Thanks for this awesome pic, JayMan!
So, okay. Time to celebrate! Let's all get drunk and wax our friends' chests like bad ass friend would!

Uh. Oh, not your thing. It's okay, though. You can choose other activities. It's your life. Hey!

Here's the thing: I have noticed that men have difficulty telling whether a girl is into them or not.

So guys? Read carefully.

Women are confusing creatures! Sometimes, we make you feel like we're just leading you on. Other times, we make you feel like we're already expecting more than what you are willing to give. Can't blame us, though. You're a fucking heartthrob and we're just... psychos!

How do you like my new hair?
I'm going to give you guys some signs so you can tell if a girl is already SO into you or if it's just in that sweeeeeeet little fucking head of yours.

1.You give her a compliment. She says, "Aw..." and compliments you back.

OHMYGOD dude, she's SO into you! Who cares if you've only spoken for, like, three days? That "aw" shit? That's a code for, "Let's have a relationship!"

I would know! I'm a girl!

2. You send her a message with a joke. She replies with, "Haha!"

What flirt! She totally likes you! Everyone knows "haha" is a code for, "Have babies with me!" I mean, duh?

3. You ask her out. She agrees and says you're probably fun to hang out with because your jokes are totally haha-worthy!

Dude. Open your eyes! She's obsessed! She is expecting more than you are willing to give! She's a psycho, so beware. Cut all connections immediately because she might ruin your heartthrob status! If you went out with her, she might drug your drink, or worse, use a horse tranquillizer to knock you out, and take you home to her parents. When you come to, she will introduce you to her parents as her fiancé and tell them you got her pregnant.

Creepy, I know. But every girl you hit on gets automatically attached to you, you hot, chick-magnet! Such a hard life, I'm sorry. Try punching yourself in the face, to at least minimize the sex appeal you got.

But having a black eye could still make you look like a bad ass, which is a turn on for some girls. There's no escaping us. I'm really sorry, you irresistible stud!

Can I touch your face?


I want to explain my disappearance. Life happened. Terrible, terrible things.

I missed you guys! Aw, right? Sweet! (But this doesn't mean I'm SO into you already, okay?)

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

How to Control Your Rage

There are certain situations in life that cause us to be so angry and sometimes, it’s hard to control.
Close your eyes and try to remember that situation.

Wait. Okay. Not that angry.

I know, certain situations or things people do or say can fill us with so much rage.

Like what I said in my How To Deal With Negative Feelings post, try to think of an outlet.

No, wait. Don’t look at that person. I know I used to say punching a random person in the face helps but I’ve changed. That opinion doesn’t matter anymore.

When I say “outlet”, I didn’t mean punch someone. That would be painful. Not to the person you punched but to you. Your knuckles. I mean, yeah, their face would hurt, too, but who cares?

So… outlet.

1. Think happy thoughts.

Like when Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s speech.

Or when Sacha Baron Cohen as The Dictator "accidentally" poured Kim Jong Il's urn all over Ryan Seacrest’s clothes at the red carpet.

I know. HAHA. That shit was funny.

2. Sing. And dance, too, if you can.

For example:

I don't know but this should be a dance craze.
Look very closely. Observe her facial expression. Do you see it? She looks pretty pissed off in the beginning BUT she danced the rage that's building inside of her away. You'll notice that it's working on her.

3. Find a hobby.

When you start feeling that heaviness in the chest and you feel like you’re about to explode or turn into The Incredible Hulk, do that hobby and focus on it. Draw. Shave someone’s head. Twerk. Whatever! Anything just to turn you back into the peace-loving, delicate butterfly that you know you are.

A few minutes later...

See how it works?

4. Write it down.

You can write it in a letter. It's your choice whether you want to send the letter or not. Or write it anywhere. Like your neighbor's car.  What's important is you let it out of your system. Remember, be gentle. CONTROL. YOUR. RAGE. Keep the friendly vibe in your writing.

5. Tell the person exactly what you’re thinking or feeling.

Out of all the things mentioned above, saying what you feel works the best. But remember, when you do this, try not to sound too angry, even when you’re almost in a murderous rage. We're talking about self-control here. Smile. Smile at that basic bitch while saying what you feel.

In other news, it's going to be my birthday next month. Remember what we did last year? The "Challenge Gnetch" Challenge? Want to do it again? Then E-mail me (or message me on Facebook or send me a DM on Twitter... whatever) your challenges and if they're good, I'll make another video, just like I did last year. Remember, don't post the challenges in the comments.

I'm such a pushover sometimes.

Last year's video is private now. HAHA.


I don't have time to make a video so ignore the last part. Sorry. I fail at life. I know.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Why Cutting Onions Makes You Cry: The Truth Behind the Bullshit

People come up with a lot of ridiculous "facts" about why cutting onions makes your eyes water or why it makes people cry. They make up these ridiculous scientific reasons like amino acid sulfoxides form sulfenic acids and blah blah blah and sulfuric acid and shit. Psh. Come on!

Here's the REAL truth.

Cutting onions makes us cry to make revenge.

For killing them.
It's an onion, guys. Get over it.

That sulfuric acid thing that our Science teachers told us about back in school? It is actually the onion's [are you ready for this?] ghost. And that ghost comes out when you cut the onion.

And it whispers mean things to you and only you can hear them.

Whether those things are true or not, they can cause you so much anguish and pain. Notice how you become an emotional wreck right after cutting an onion? Well you can TRY to convince yourself that your eyes are just irritated but you know that's not true.

It doesn't even need Melinda Gordon to send you a message. It can talk to you WITHOUT her help.

Pretty badass, huh?

An onion ghost can make you feel stupid.

It has the ability to re-open wounds that you thought are healed.
Only you would know if this is true or not but still... Right?

It can make you feel bad about yourself by mentioning some of your insecurities.
The person who drew this must be lazy. Oops?

Make fun of your favorite celebrity.
Seriously though.

It knows everything about you and will remind you of the ones that you are too ashamed to remember.
At least it didn't say "Nick Carter phase".


Onion ghosts are heartless. HEARTLESS!

Well, that was harsh.


That, my friends, is the reason why cutting onions makes us cry. Facts straight from me. No scientific bullshit.

Believe me, I know. Because I cook.

Now, for some deep thoughts: Have you ever wondered how many onion ghosts are wandering around your house right now? Watching you? Laughing at you? Peeking at you in the shower? Waiting for their chance to get revenge for their death?

How many onions did you cut today? Are you scared now?


I just want to say Google sucks for killing Google Reader. I have transferred all my feeds to Feedly but it is still confusing to me.

So... guys. If you want some alternatives on how to better stalk me without Reader, look at my sidebar. The options are there. There's E-mail subscription, Twitter, Facebook page, Bloglovin, etc.


But I'm still not over the fact that Google is killing Reader, and it's not even gone yet. Is blogging really dead? Fucking Google. Murderer.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

half-sober half-drunk don't tell my mom

I feel like I just blinked and it's almost the end of 2012 already.

But I'm not here to talk about Christmas or how 2012 was and shit. I'm here to talk about being cool online.

I'm an expert. Ask my mom.

I'm just kidding. Don't ask my mom. She doesn't knwo.

So there are people who still have difficulty being cool online. It's like you can still feel their awkwardness through the internet and sometimes, it's gets too painful to watch them try.

Yeah, there are times that my own words offend me.

So while I'm trying to regain my almost-popular status that I had about two years ago, I decided to reformat my blog for 2013. You know, like when TV viewers lose interest in TV shows so the producers decide to kill off characters and add some new ones? Or try to sexy it up because sex sells, apparently?

But I'm not going to do that.

Or maybe I will.

Because I want to be so much cooler online than I am in real life.

(There was supposed to be a drawing of me here saying "Hmmmm" but I can't draw and my hand isn't fully functionla at the moment so just use your imagintion.)

So here is my plan.

First, adding the sexy.

Do you guys like pole dancing?

There you go.

You're welcome.

Second, I'll start Internet slangs more. I know I use OMG and OMFG a lot but these don't make me cool enough. I need to use more.

Like, if people unnecessarily use fancy words to sound smart and try to memorize the Thesaurus to use in conversations to impress people, I'll use the Urban Dictionary to sound cool.

Okay, I changed my mind. I searched random words on Urban Dictionary and then I saerched my name and I didn't like some of the results.

I hate Urban Dictonary now. With a passion.

But I'll still probs use more slang words because it totes make peeps cool.

Third, I'll gangsta' my blog up. I'll change my blog name from Thank Goodness for the Good Ones to:

OMFG, that's so dope!

Don't tell me you don't think I can rock it.

I'm a newbie at this and I don't know a lot of gangster-y words but I found a website called Gizoogle OMG is it awesome.

It's time to learn shiznit.

You remember the post where I told you the perks of adopting me? I think if I had discovered Gizoogle then, it would have gotten more response and one of you could be have offered to adopt me now.

Because I translated that post now and look what happened:

It's neva' too late to reconsider, yo!

I also Gizoogled Taylor Swift's song.

And maybe if she had known about this, Kanye wouldn't have hated her so much.

I also gizzoigled quotes by Confucius and i'ts awesome.

These are some of his famous quotes:

 And these are the doped-up quotes.

Uh. Don't tell me you don't like it better.


So yeah. I actosally forgot wehre this post is going. I'm sorry. I fail at life.

Haha. Remember when I said that on my video blog?

Of course you don't.

Sometimes I wonder if pets roll their eyes when humans baby talk them. because when I hear girls baby talk their boyfriends, I roll my eyes. It makes me want to vomit in their faces OH MY GOD STAHP.

Im'n ot saying I'm a pet. Don't think I said that.

Half of this blog post was written sober and half was writne drunk. It's up to you to figure out which part was written sober. But don't waste yiour time. It's okay tont to know. I'm also using Dvorak keyboard so don't tyr to check if my typos are acceptable by looking at your keyboard. I know I have typos because of the red squiggly lines under my words but it's okay. Hannah Montana once said nobody's perfect.

Oh and Merry Christmas fuckers. You all are awesome! I really mean that. Shout out to the birthday boy!!! Don't drink too much.

What am i doing with my life?

I have to go. I have to work on Christmas day. I actually should be sleeping already because it's late.

Rmember the apocalypse? me neither.