Monday, March 18, 2013

Why Cutting Onions Makes You Cry: The Truth Behind the Bullshit

People come up with a lot of ridiculous "facts" about why cutting onions makes your eyes water or why it makes people cry. They make up these ridiculous scientific reasons like amino acid sulfoxides form sulfenic acids and blah blah blah and sulfuric acid and shit. Psh. Come on!

Here's the REAL truth.

Cutting onions makes us cry to make revenge.

For killing them.
It's an onion, guys. Get over it.

That sulfuric acid thing that our Science teachers told us about back in school? It is actually the onion's [are you ready for this?] ghost. And that ghost comes out when you cut the onion.

And it whispers mean things to you and only you can hear them.

Whether those things are true or not, they can cause you so much anguish and pain. Notice how you become an emotional wreck right after cutting an onion? Well you can TRY to convince yourself that your eyes are just irritated but you know that's not true.

It doesn't even need Melinda Gordon to send you a message. It can talk to you WITHOUT her help.

Pretty badass, huh?

An onion ghost can make you feel stupid.


It has the ability to re-open wounds that you thought are healed.
Only you would know if this is true or not but still... Right?

It can make you feel bad about yourself by mentioning some of your insecurities.
The person who drew this must be lazy. Oops?

Make fun of your favorite celebrity.
Seriously though.

It knows everything about you and will remind you of the ones that you are too ashamed to remember.
At least it didn't say "Nick Carter phase".

See?

Onion ghosts are heartless. HEARTLESS!

Well, that was harsh.

Anyway...

That, my friends, is the reason why cutting onions makes us cry. Facts straight from me. No scientific bullshit.

Believe me, I know. Because I cook.

Now, for some deep thoughts: Have you ever wondered how many onion ghosts are wandering around your house right now? Watching you? Laughing at you? Peeking at you in the shower? Waiting for their chance to get revenge for their death?

How many onions did you cut today? Are you scared now?

*****

I just want to say Google sucks for killing Google Reader. I have transferred all my feeds to Feedly but it is still confusing to me.

So... guys. If you want some alternatives on how to better stalk me without Reader, look at my sidebar. The options are there. There's E-mail subscription, Twitter, Facebook page, Bloglovin, etc.

Yup.

But I'm still not over the fact that Google is killing Reader, and it's not even gone yet. Is blogging really dead? Fucking Google. Murderer.

24 comments:

  1. Onions are such mean cold-hearted bastards!

    Just like Google.

    Jay

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    Replies
    1. I know! Onions have a special place in hell!

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  2. ooh. I hope you can explain that ghastly garlic smell!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll try to do a research about it!!

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  3. Wait, what? They're killing the reader? Then how am I supposed to follow my blogs? Boo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Use your dashboard or transfer all your feeds to other readers. Feedly takes some getting used to but it's okay.

      Delete
  4. Haha, this is hilarious!
    Jillian - http://epic-thread.blogspot.com

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  5. NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.


    p.s. They're killing the reader?? WTF? Thank goodness I follow you on bloglovin' then! :)

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    Replies
    1. Haha! Thank you! You're awesome!

      Delete
  6. Maybe the Google Reader ghost will be able to fight off all of the onion ghosts floating around my house.

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    Replies
    1. But they work together, Google and the onion ghosts!

      Delete
  7. Google reader...I can't even deal. I'm avoiding the whole situation. THAT'S what my onion ghosts are taunting me about right now. Whispering in my ear..."just think...you only have a few short months before your feeds are gone forever...FOREVER!" I don't even know what I'll do at work without Google Reader. Work, probably. The HORROR.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know the feeling! Google has removed the link to Reader from the dashboard! They're slowly killing us and it's mean!

      Delete
  8. Onions are just fucktard twatwaffles. I say crush em all in a blender and be done with it!

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  9. I don't know that I've ever cut an onion. Ever.

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    Replies
    1. You haven't? No onion ghosts for you then. Which is good. Haha!

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  10. SO true.

    Onions are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. *shakes fists*

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  11. YOU.ARE.AN.EYE.OPENER. I was always wondering why do I cry when I slice onions. But your blog made me realize the harsh truth. Onions are evil! EVIIIL!

    witcherry.blogspot.com

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    ReplyDelete