So! I'm alive! (UPDATED!!!!!!)

So there is this blog post I have been trying to finish since last Sunday. I finally finished it. Yay!

But it's not here. It's over here.

It's password protected so you all are going to have to take an extra step and E-mail me for the password. I'm really difficult like that. *wink*

If you don't know my E-mail address, I have an E-mail form here. Or you can just send me a message on Twitter or Facebook.

Thanks!

Oh! And comment section is closed. :)

Also, yes, I'm still alive. I'm sorry I haven't been posting.

And in 3 weeks, I'll be celebrating my birthday. Just FYI. This is me giving you a chance to save money and shop for gifts. You're welcome. (I'm joking, mom!)

PS: If I don't reply right away, it means I'm already sleeping. I'll email you all back tomorrow.

UPDATE: GUESS WHAT??!

You people are amazing, you're making me fart rainbows!!! Thank you!!!

The Fuct Tape That Does It All

Voice Over (In an infomercial-y annoying with fake enthusiasm voice):

From the makers of the Bloggenator Pill and the MutantBerry, here's another awesome product *JUST* for you.

Tired of ordinary the duct tape that easily breaks? 

Is it not as useful as your regular hardware store promised?

Does it make you stabby just because?

Well assholes, fret no more!!!

INTRODUCING:

The duct tape that could possibly make your enemy's life a living hell.

The Fuct Tape is made of the same material ordinary duct tapes are made of, BUT!!! It is twice as useful!!!

It is so awesome, you can use it any way you want!!! AND I MEAN ANY WAY!!!

The Fuct Tape will help your every day life become more exciting than ever.

 

Now you can make annoying people who think they know everything shut up, hold together a broken remote control, make a badass wrist band and pretend it's real silver, wax hairy legs, and pretend you're Cyclops (but with less appeal).

It is so useful you can even throw the used Fuct Tape to the person that bugs the shit out of you.

AWESOME!!!

AND NOT ONLY THAT!!!

YES! NOT. ONLY. THAT!!!

With the Fuct Tape, you can now improve your looks by making an INSTANT GOATEE.

Just stick it to your chin and BAM!!! Goatee!!!

Because The Situation doesn't even have a goatee!!! But everyone's better than him anyway, so.

Lose weight in an instant!!! The Fuct Tape can be used as an INSTANT BODY SHAPING UNDERGARMENT FOR MEN AND WOMEN! 

And WHOA! It is a lot cheaper than Spanx!!!

Use it for kidnapping and/or blackmailing.

The Fuct Tape can make anyone you like ask you out! Less bloody and disgusting than eating their first born!!

Losing the fire in your relationship? The Fuct Tape is also the ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP RE-ESTABLISHER!!!

Keep your love life exciting. You know you like it!!!

Old-fashioned duct tapes are so boring. Using a duct tape has NEVER been this exciting.

So whether you are a trying-to-be-cool kinda guy, or just someone who wants a flat stomach, or maybe some psycho chick who would do anything to get a date, THE FUCT TAPE is PERFECT for YOU!!!

So what the fuck are you waiting for? Order your all-in-one Fuct Tape now for only $100.00!!!

Sounds expensive? Don't worry!!! Call within the next 10 minutes and get another Fuct Tape for

FREE!!!
 

In a darker color! HOW. UH-MAZING!!!

But wait!!!

There's more!!!

Order now and get a risk-free, 5-minute, money-back guarantee!!! If you're not satisfied, bring the super amazing Fuct Tape back in 5 minutes and get your money back!!! No questions asked!

So what are you waiting for?

CALL NOW!!! 1-800-FUCTTAPE

***********************

Sort-of update:

Dear Google:
Blogger's system going down last week made led me to an emotional roller coaster. In order for you to make it up to me, I want a Google Doogle for my birthday. You have less than a month to prepare.

You're welcome.

I love too much sometimes.