Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Another Great Idea: The Halloween Special (Alternative Title: How To Be A Badass Ghost)

I'm pretty sure most bloggers are still trying to decide who they will be this Halloween. And I know most bloggers have written posts about what costumes they are gonna be wearing and what others should wear.

But since I'm different and *ahem* more advanced, I'm gonna tell you how to be the most awesome ghost ever.

Yes. Ghost.

Because we all are gonna go there at some point.


So let's begin.

1. Tombstone.

Avoid having your family put "R.I.P" or "In Loving Memory Of" on your tombstone. Seriously?? That is so 10 years ago. Dare to be different! Be bold! Have them carve, "Hell Yeah, Fuckers!" or "Wanna come with?"

Better yet, have them write BRB or Be Right Back on your tombstone. Aside from its undeniable badassness, you will also save your family from depression of losing you.

Of course, you have to make your tombstone glow in the dark. We're talking about LOUD badassness here!! Hello??!

2. Makeup.

It is important to always look awesome. Your makeup should be loud. Colorful. Extravagant. Lively!!! Obviously, I'm not talking about a do-it-yourself makeup. How can you do it yourself when you're dead?! Duh?? Get a makeup artist!

See the illustration below:

Model is wearing tan foundation with sunkissed blush. Blood red lipstick is a must, especially if your eyeshadow is deep purple and your eyeliner is gray. Don't forget the false eyelashes and the weave! They are important.

So when you turn into a ghost, you will look like this:


3. Keep the promise you made.

Of course, when you say BRB, you have to keep that promise. Visit your loved ones! Terrify your enemies!! And get back on those fuckers who broke your heart when you were alive by visiting them in their dreams and breaking their plates and lampshades and punching small holes into their unused condoms.

But again, don't be just another ordinary ghost like this:

You have to be the most glamorous ghost.

(I know it's a bit early. But as I said, I'm advanced so suck it up.)


Sunday, October 17, 2010

MTV abused me. That's my explanation.

So yesterday, a high school classmate and I bumped into each other while I was grocery shopping so  we decided to go to Starbucks to catch up. 

While we were talking, a guy with a Justin Bieber hair walked into the coffee shop. He was not the only person I saw with that kind of hair yesterday. And the grocery store was also abusing my gift of hearing with all his croaky songs!

Just. Kill. Me.

So of course, I complained.
Me: I still don't understand this Bieber craze.

Ex-Classmate: ...?

Me: I mean, it's like a disease already-- Wait. Are you a fan??

Ex-Classmate: No but...

Me: It's like these teens are so crazy about him. I just don't understand it.

Ex-Classmate: ... you had a serious crush on Nick Carter back in high school!


She just compared Nick Carter to The Biebs. She did! This bitch just questioned my taste!

Okay, so flashback:

Back in high school, I wasn't really a fan of any pop group until the Backstreet Boys invaded MTV! When I first saw them, I was like, "Meh. They're too... pop for me."

And then MTV started raping me with all their interviews and music videos and tours and all that BSB shit. It was then I started to notice Nick Carter.

Don't laugh, fuckers! He was cute!!

Anyway, every time I heard any of their songs, I went gaga.

Though I was not crazy enough to spend money to go to their concert (in reality, I never enjoyed going to concerts because I hate crowded places and PDA in concerts are just very rampant), I was crazy enough to get pissed when I hear people lusting after him at school.

Don't judge me! I'm a 90's baby.

So anyway, that was 10 years ago. Fine. More than 10 years ago. And I have gotten over my love for him when he started to try to be a rocker. I mean, dude!! Are you kidding me??

But I must admit, I was a diehard fan. I collected posters and albums. I even recorded their songs when I heard them on the radio even though I had their albums. I was young, okay??!

In my defense, Nick Carter was really cute although he sounded nasal a little constipated when singing.

This is random but I think Glee should do a BSB episode.

I said don't judge me. Don't give me that look!!!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

*UPDATED* What? You want a piece of me? Trying to make my day, huh??

Don't you think I've had enough already? Like-- seriously? Huh, spammers??

And I'm not talking about the do-yourself-a-favor-by-following-my-blog spammers. (But you're included so you better listen).

I have been getting spams sent to my Gmail on a daily basis (well, almost). At first it was okay. Then the numbers started to grow. Larger and larger. Like Gremlins!

By the way, I used to want to have a pet Gremlin.

But I digress.

I have been getting spams more than I've been getting dandruff lately. Not that I prefer dandruff but you get my point.

Some want to share their inheritance with me.

Others talk to me in Chinese. I can't read Chinese!! (Uhm, Nino... Help?)

Some say I've won a huge amount of money.

Others invite me to join their site to increase traffic to my own site. The hell??

And one person offers me PENIS ENLARGEMENT.


There is this one lucky spammer that I replied to. I forgot which one but this is what I said: "GO FUCK YOURSELF."

I wrote that with feelings. Because I'm very passionate like that.

Anyway, I'd like to show you the spams I have been receiving because I'm really generous that I'd like to share this kind of shit with you.

You're welcome.

And to all of them, here's my message:
Now, I'm feeling better.

But if I get another spam, I will publish their e-mail addresses on this blog so they can get a taste of their own medicine.

Hey! That's like my most brilliant idea ever! *pats self in the back*

Anyway, in a totally unrelated note, I have been asked a lot of times where I get my ideas. Some even wonder if I'm really really really often that bored when I say "boredom makes me crazy."

I really don't know but I have a theory.

Obviously, some of the veins in my brain were not placed correctly. I must have bumped my head really bad when I was a baby.

I think when my mom popped me out of her vajayjay, this is what happened:


So as I said, if I get another spam after this post, I will publish their E-mail address. So far, I got 2 new spammers.

One is from xqvpllved@com.tw, which of course, was in Chinese so I did not understand what the E-mail was about.

The second one is from odchtzgcipts@yahoo.com.tw

I don't have a clue what this E-mail was about but he made me want to crush his PURPLE MONKEY BALLS into tiny pieces.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Things I'd do for a laptop (No, not lap dance, asshole).

Look at this:
Click to enlarge:

Got it?

This is Tyla's idea and SURPRISE!!! I participated!!

So the topic she gave me: 
What do you want to have accomplished by the time you reach 30?

And the blog she recommended was HD In Effect, which I found quite awesome.

Since I only have like less than 2 years before I reach 30, I'm going to make this "goal" somewhat easy to reach.

No, it's not cheating, fuckers!!

Be ready. Because this is really, really, really deep.

By the time I reach 30, I want to...


Okay, calm down. Hear me out first!!!

All this time, I've been using my brother's PC to blog. And since it is his, it is sometimes hard to convince him to let me use his PC when I get home from work or on weekends.

So I will wait.

And wait...

And wait...

And fucking wait some more...

What. The. Fuck??

So this is what happens every day. By the time he allows me to use the PC, it will be almost my bedtime.

So it is pissing me off. Like, REALLY pissing me off.


Yes, I provide food, electricity, phone, water, and everything else in between (including my meds) in this house.

We split the Internet bill though.

Anyway, I have already made a few first awesome steps so I can get a laptop:

On Facebook and on Twitter:

And the biggest step I've made so far:

The fucker ignored my proposal.

I really really want to get my own laptop that I've thought about cheating on Drew Fuller!

I'm sorry, Drew. I love you too.

Anyway,when I get the laptop that I want, I will be able to blog anytime.

Even in my sleep.

Now bitches, it's your turn. Let me know if you want to participate and I'll give you a topic and a blog to check out.

Also? Check out Tyla's blog.

P.S. I'd like to thank everyone who did not hesitate to help me beat a hater's ass on my last post. THANK YOU!!!